In Appreciation to Every Veteran on this Special Day . . .

Today is Veteran's Day, and though for many people it has come to mean just a day off from work, this is a day that should be taken seriously and spent showing our appreciation for every single veteran who has ever put on a uniform for our country. Because of these men and women we are free, because of them we can speak for ourselves, choose where and how to worship - or not, and live our lives however we see fit.

The toll on our veterans is so high, but many are unaware of just how high it is. If you have been blessed by personally knowing someone who has served in a foreign war, then perhaps you have been told stories of some of their experiences, but I'm betting you don't know the inside story, for these are the things they don't want you to know, but which show them for the truly brave and wonderful people that they are. You may not know how often they lie awake at night wracked with pain from injuries they have suffered during battle. You may not be aware of the horrifying nightmares that wake them when they finally DO fall to sleep. What about their reaction to sudden loud noises? Or the stress they undergo when they are in crowded or loud places? Have you ever thought about the toll that their experiences, and the post-traumatic issues from them, have on their families? When the war is over, or when their time in it is, their battles continue on for the rest of their lives. Life is never "normal" for them again. They may put on a happy face, some can't no matter how hard they try, but inside they have changed. Some changes are for the better, many are not, but there's nothing they can do about it.

Do you know what though? And this is so important to remember . . . No matter the horror they have gone through, no matter the damage done to their bodies and their minds, they would do it all again. Let that sink in. They would do it all again for YOUR right to live free, for the rights of even those who speak out against them, they would go back to serve this country they love so much, no matter the toll it takes on their lives.

Appreciate a Veteran this day, and every day. They have been there for us, let's be there for them.

To all the Veterans in my life - my father, brother, uncles, son, friends and extended "adopted" family . . . Thank you. Thank you for loving our country and our freedoms so much that you sacrificed for us. Thank you seems inadequate, but its all I have to give. Thank you.

Family Dynamics and Love With Conditions . . .

I have always thought that love conquers all . . . and I suppose in ideal circumstances it does . . . to a point. When it comes to families though ideal circumstances fall far away from reality, and when it comes to friends it seems to be riddled with strings attached to all sorts of sundry places that don't make sense and defy what the meaning of love and friendship stand for in this world.

My family means the world to me. When I think of my family it goes in order of my husband, my children, my parents, my sibling, followed by other family such as nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Even though there is an order and sequence to their positions in my lives, these relationships are all interwoven and influence each other ranging between a little bit and a lot, depending on who I'm dealing with, and who is involved. For the most part if someone does something that I consider to be hurtful, disrespectful or downright meanspirited, I let it roll off of me and move on. Do this often enough and sometimes there is a residual build up of resentment or pain that will eventually come to a breaking point. This unfortunately affects not just me, but my husband as well, along with anyone else involved. In general though, if someone hurts me I am capable of forgiving and moving on, for we are all human and fallable - and I certainly fit in to that category front and center.

Suddenly I find myself in the middle of a family meltdown and I'm hating every single second of it. I spent last night crying, and some of today. My head is pounding, my eyes are puffy and I am no closer to a solution to the quagmire of emotional muck I find myself buried in up to my neck. I confronted my parents with emotions that run deep about my relationship with them from my youth. My brother was dragged into it, so I shared my heartfelt feelings with him - and I admit that I opened up and let it all out - and THAT has turned into a mess. His wife is angry with me for "attacking" my brother, who is a big boy and if we could just deal with this on our own we'd be fine - and apparently I'm more at odds with everyone than if I had just continued to swallow my feelings. Oh wait! All of this lovely drama, emotion, disrespect and lack of supportive love has angered my husband and has put us at odds with each other. I'm tired, and I don't understand what is going on!

Add to the mix friends. Friends at work don't care what is going on at home - of course I don't share with friends at work what goes on at home generally speaking, because for one thing, it's not their business, and for another . . . well, there isn't another reason, that was it. But when things are going on at home and emotions are running high there are people at work who really choose the wrong moment to step on every single one of my nerves, repeatedly and with increasing intensity. Little stuff that wouldn't bother me if I weren't already in emotional crisis mode. Those days put me on an edge that makes me ready to blow up - and sometimes I do blow up. Sorry to anyone I vented to - not your fault- truly. Friends who aren't at work have the best intentions and truly want to help, but I can't share my every emotion sometimes. I just can't! One, if I try I cry and I'm tired of crying and Two, there's nothing you can do to help and you have your own stuff to deal with without adding mine to the mix. I'm a very independent person in many ways, and truly will work through this with the people actually involved. Please don't be insulted or hurt - this isn't about you - it's about me, it's about my marriage, it's about my relationship with people who are supposed to love me unconditionally, but sometimes don't. Making it about you and being hurt by it just adds more pressure to me and honestly I just can't deal with any more pressure.

God does loves us unconditionally. Think about that for a moment and digest what that means. Unconditionally. He loves us no matter what we do, no matter how we act, no matter who we disappoint, no matter whether we are angry, sad, happy or completely dysfunctional - and seriously - aren't most of us pretty darned dysfunctional? He loves us when we hurt someone, or when we have been hurt. He never leaves, never gives up, never throws up his hands and tells us we aren't worth the trouble. We, as Christ followers have a responsibility to ourselves, but mostly to God, to emulate God our Father in everything. Granted we are doomed to fall short for we are, after all, human and fallable in every way, but we are supposed to try! I fall short. I know I do. I know there's a long list of things that I do, that I shouldn't, that do not glorify God. Every day should be a work in progress to live up to His standards. One thing I try to be consistent about though, is forgiving those who hurt me and trying to build better relationships with them. Knowing that, I am having such a hard time figuring out how I'm in this middle of this family muddle that has my brain on fire with pain, and my eyes gritty and hurting from crying so many tears. It is my deep desire for everyone to come to God, to know His forgiveness and love. I want every single person I know to someday, when I move on to Heaven, to look back on my life and be able to say that I was a loving person, a forgiving person, and they saw Jesus reflected in my life. Obviously I'm falling sort of that, or else all of this family anger would not be surrounding me at this moment. All I want, with all of my heart, is for my family to accept and love each other - good stuff, bad stuff and in bewteen stuff. I want to look at my husband and see love reflected back at me, and pride in the person he married, and know that he sees that I want nothing but to be the best wife, mother, daughter and friend I can possibly be, and that I am trying with all of my heart to do just that. What I am finding though is that God is the only one who loves unconditionally. Everyone else has conditions and I'm exhausted trying to keep up with all of them.

One last observation, I cannot be the one to meet everyone else's needs. I cannot be your caretaker, confidant, advisor, source of amusement, informaton and conscience, for I wear the hats of wife, mother, daughter, worker and friend and there are many demands of all of those hats. I have to take emotional time for me and if I don't, eventually my brain says enough is enough, something breaks loose and I have to take a complete break - so if I've disappointed you by not coming through for you in a way you'd like me to, maybe you should ask yourself - what have you done for me lately? If you can't come up with anything, perhaps you can figure out why I'm having to take a break. Whether you are family or friend, I can't be everything to everyone without losing me in the process. For the moment I feel part of me is lost and wandering. Until I find that piece of me that feels broken and lost, be patient - or don't. The end result is the same - I have to fix the hurt in me before I can attempt to do anything for you. It doesn't mean I don't love you - I do. If you are someone in my life, then I do love you no matter who you are. I just need this time to focus on what's right here at home, and find that balance so desperately needed to make a home life happy.

Chalk it up to yet another thing I thought I knew . . . Love is only unconditional if it comes from God.

If You Have Something to Say About Me . . . Say It To ME!!!

I'm about to have a verbal temper tantrum . . . It's long overdue and though the people I'm angry with may never see this at least I will feel better.

This tantrum is going to start with a disclaimer, that disclaimer being that I love my family, every single one of them, whether they are my parents, my children, my sibling or his family, my cousins both near and far, etc. If we share blood, I love you. This is my way of venting my feelings so that they don't boil over and make me crazy. Any protectiveness from anyone who loves me is so appreciated, but not necessary in this instance. I'm a big girl and just need to let this out and this is how I'm choosing to do so . . . Ok, bring on the tirade . . .

I love my father. I know my father loves me. Truth is I know he loves me and my children very much. However, my father has always been closer to my brother for a variety of reasons, and that shows up constantly in nearly every conversation I've ever had with my dad, or that I've overheard him having with someone else. It's all about J, on and on and on. Or about J's kids, on and on and on. We know! You love him more! You have more in common with him. I get it! Fact is that this hurts me very much. Well, last week it all boiled over. We were blessed with a return to the family of a long lost nephew, one we haven't seen in many many years, and it's long overdue. All of us are extremely happy about this wonderful event, and rejoicing both individually and together. This is my brother's oldest child and we have loved him and prayed for him for years, that he'd be safe and healthy and one day return to us. He has, and this is so wonderful! My Dad, in his joy, posted a message on a social networking site, that incorrectly stated that the picture he was speaking about was that of his oldest and youngest grandsons together. Well, I KNEW what he meant - that these were his oldest and youngest of his son. But that's not what he said. MY son is his oldest grandson and I was very angry, and very hurt, that he'd not taken a moment to think through his post before he posted it. A seemlingly small incident in the grand scheme of family dynamics, but it was the straw that broke this camels back and I wrote him a long email detailing how I felt about not only this, but other issues. I discussed the situation with my mother also. And that's where the family uproar begins.

Nobody cares that I'm hurt, except perhaps my Mom, and to some degree my Dad, but that I spoke to Mom about it, got her all riled up and she confronted Dad. Now they are all sniping about me behind my back, all upset with ME for outting Dad and exposing him to the Wrath of Mom. SO, for those of you who believe it is OK to do this, I'm putting it on the record, if you ever see this, that it's NOT!

J - you are my "baby" brother and I love you. With that said, you are a royal pain in my backside. You don't know how to STOP and take a breath and listen to anyone else. All of life is all about you, what you have accomplished, believe you have accomplished, or would like to accomplish someday. People who have done anything important in this life don't need to talk about it for the recognition, they are happy to have done what it was they did and don't need the kudos. True heroes in this life don't seek that pat on the back. I'm honestly sick of hearing everyone go on and on about any of it. The stories just get bigger and bigger as the years go by and it's gotten to the point that it just brings on one big collective eyeroll! I don't want my brother to be a laughingstock or butt of jokes, I want people to respect you! You are a good hearted man who loves his family very much! You would do anything for your family, and I know it! That alone is worthy of being proud of yourself, and make you stand taller and with confidence. You don't need to blather on and on about things past and present that in the grand scheme don't really amount to much. It's raising those kids to be productive human beings, THAT'S what will get you those pats on the back, without even asking for them.

This is to J and his wife - You adore each other. I am so happy you have found each other and have made a life together. I see how you look at each other and know that there couldn't be a better match for either of you out there, so that makes my heart glad. But on the other hand, I'm still very angry with both of you - the anger has diminished, and I thought it was gone, but last week's emotional blow out just brought it all out and I need to clean out that part of my mental attic, throw light on the subject and let it see resolution for my own well being. J, for years you knew what my horrible ex was doing to me. You even participated in part of the bad behavior back when you were young and stupid. Once or twice you gave a half hearted attempt to tell me what was going on, but if you REALLY wanted to make me see the truth you would have figured out how. He was taking his nasty, adulterous self into the business we BOTH hung out in, along with the disgusting female he was cheating with at the moment, flaunting in front of my family his cheating on me. You knew! He discussed it with you, put on his "poor pitiful me" look and managed to get you on his side! If you'd have truly wanted me to see the truth you would have taken pictures or a video and shown me. No, you tried briefly to mention it, and when I was in denial you gave up. If I thought for one moment that either of you were cheating on the other you can bet your bottom dollar I'd follow the cheater everywhere, record the infidelity and host movie night for you both! It's absolutely horrifying that my own family watched me go through this. J you were part of his other life since you were 18 years old and you just let me blindly believe he loved me when he only truly loved himself! The betrayal is something I don't know if I'll ever truly get over! I can forgive, and I have, but I will never, ever forget. How can I?

Dad, there should NEVER be secrets from Mom. Ever. You are married. You chose her many years ago to be your partner in this life and yet you live like strangers. You don't want her to be angry with you - well boohoo! You aren't exactly an ideal husband, nor is she an ideal wife! We are human beings, subject to fail over and over, but we're supposed to be trying to get it right by learning from our mistakes and making things better for ourselves and the ones we love! What is going on in your head? Seriously?!? I came to you and Mom about something bothering me. Ideally you should have been able to discuss it and resolve the issue and we should all have been able to move on. But no, of course not. The dysfunction in this family runs too deeply for that I guess. She let you have it with both barrels, and knowing Mom, it probably went on for some time. You then couldn't let it rest at that, no, you had to go and discuss it with J & K, now my daughter is unhappy with me for talking to you and Mom about the portion of our conversation that she revealed to me - since she was part of the subject being discussed, J & K are talking about me behind my back, and honestly I don't know that I can ever share my feelings with you again! I can't trust that they will stay between you and I, which really rather dooms any possibility of getting over our emotional failings and making any sort of a healthy father/daughter relationship with each other, doesn't it? You really need to think about what it is you are doing to hurt Mom so you don't continue to do it. Even if she still gets angry about the past, you'll know you are being the best you can be and that alone puts you in God's will when it comes to your marriage. FIX YOUR MISTAKES! You can do it, it's truly not too late. The first thing you can do to that end is to never take sides with anyone - not me, not J, not anyone - against your wife. She is the other half of you and deserves the respect for her position in your life. You put her in that position in your life and it's your God given responsibility to honor that, no matter what.

Mom, I know you'll never see this because you aren't computer knowledgeable, but I have to include you to clear my brain and heart. You need to let go of your anger at the past so that when something in the present makes you mad you don't dredge up ancient history and blast the guilty party - usually Dad - with every single thing you feel he's hurt you by doing. Stop it! You are his partner. You took vows to love him and honor him, just as he did with you, and yet I haven't seen you honor each other once in my entire life. It hurts to know that you are always angry and perpetually carrying your hurt with you, ready to blast out that anger at any trigger event - no matter whether it's big or small. You have such a loving and nurturing heart, but don't show it to many people because of the grudge you carry with you all of the time. Isn't it getting to be a heavy load to carry? Yes, Dad's hurt you. He's hurt you very badly. He continues to do things to hurt you because he isn't trying to learn from his mistakes, and you continue to hurt him in retaliation. It has to stop before one or both of you has a heart attack! I love you both and don't want to lose you to a stress related event caused by a stupid, nonsensical argument that isn't going to solve anything! He doesn't hear you when you do that, and you see him not hearing and you get louder and longer winded. STOP IT!!!!! You aren't helping anyone, especially not yourself. Put this burden down and move on - by doing that, by forgiving what you feel is the unforforgiveable and moving on (I didn't say forget - that's not humanly possible without traumatic amnesia being involved), you will be in God's will as a wife and even if Dad continues to hurt you, you will know you've done everything you should as a wife. He is the other half of you, has been for years, and as such he deserves the respect and honor of that position. You put him in that spot, it's your God given responsibility to honor it no matter what.

I am not without fault in all of this, never thought I was. My little girl came to me to discuss something that was bothering her. It coincided with this little blow-out with Dad, and as such I couldn't seem to shut up and it ALL came tumbling out when I talked to Mom and emailed my letter to Dad. That was wrong of me, and to my daughter, I am so sorry. I was wrong and I hope you are able to forgive me for that breaking of your trust. I wouldn't hurt you for the world and I am very sorry for that. I am the one who wouldn't listen when J tried to tell me years ago about G's behavior - I didn't want to believe it, therefore I didn't. For that I was wrong. All the signs were there and it hurt too much to acknowledge it. You did try, I don't feel that you tried hard enough, but you did try.

The secrets must stop. Nobody should be saying or doing anything that they don't feel they can disclose to everyone in the family - it puts up divisive walls in the family and that is never good for any relationship - whether it is the relationship between husbands and wives, siblings, parents and children, etc. It's wrong! So stop doing things you aren't proud of doing, stop saying things you wouldn't say directly to someone's face, and let's start treating each other like we love each other. We say we do, so let's make it a reality.

Now I want to add something very important - I am married to the most supportive, amazing and wonderful man. He is literally my knight in shining armor, my protector, my biggest fan and my cheering section when I'm down on myself. He sees the way that certain members of my family behave towards me and his natural instinct is to hold me up and defend me against all who would do me harm - be it physical, mental or emotional. To you R, I love you. I appreciate you with all of my heart and I know that no matter what I can depend on you always, I can know you are in my corner 24 hours of every single day and I am in yours. This is so new to me still, even after 5 years I find myself bracing myself for the next verbal blow, emotional punch and mental attack . . . but you're there every single time to hold me up and keep me strong. Thank you, for being you, for being mine and for loving me.

Bottom line to everyone who cares to take this into consideration - if you have something to say about me, say it to ME!! And I'll do the same for you.

Are You Someone's Storm Cloud?

I try to be upbeat and look on the positive side of things. It's just easier on the emotions. It isn't always that way, there are times that things do get me down. I get cranky, I get upset, I growl and howl at the injustices of life. Sometimes I even have an all out tantrum! Cleanses the mental and emotional palate just a bit, and makes room for a new outlook once all the sludge has passed on through, sort of like the peace following a big storm. Taking in the fresh clean air after the storm is always so refreshing. Knowing that, I have a really hard time understanding why more people don't try to see the positive, but instead focus on the negative of life. It doesn't make any sense.

Every single day each one of us comes into contact with one or more people that just can't seem to get a handle on anything except negativity. They wake up in the morning and are upset that they have to go to work, so rather than thanking God that they have a job, they go all Eeyore on the situation and moan and groan about it being too hot to work, too cold to work, too tiring to work, they have too many hours or too long of a day, or too few hours or too short of a day. They can't seem to strike that happy spot that shines light on any situation EVER! The result of this attitude ends up being that they not only focus on their own negativity, they bring down everyone they come into contact with, and that ultimately makes everyone want to run screaming to a different location where happy, upbeat and positive people are hanging out - leaving the Eeyore to munch on the sour grapes in isolation. Think about it, with the current administration (I prefer to think of it as a regime) systematically dismantling our country, our freedoms, our liberty and our happiness one piece at a time, we are living in a house of cards, knowing that at any moment it could all come crashing down on our heads. We turn on the news we see disasters created by both God and man, and honestly it's frightening. With all of that negativity going on all around us all the time, it's more important than ever to look inside of our hearts and find that happy place that makes a little bit of Tigger pop up in our outlook. We don't need to ignore the negative, just temper it a bit with positive so we aren't doom and gloom in every aspect of our daily lives.

We all have an Eeyore that is always depressed and down in the mouth - some of us have more than one Eeyore in our lives. If you are an Eeyore and didn't realize it, sit up and pay attention to what you're doing to your friends and family. Think about this. When you get up in the morning and greet the day, is it with a happy thought and a thank you to God for giving you a job, a roof, food, clothes and friends? Or do you greet it with a grimace on your face, a scowl in your heart and a determination to be miserable no matter what? Do you find the dark cloud in every situation, or do you search until you find the silver lining? What you do to your family and friends is horrible! The stress that you heap on their systems by your very negativity takes away their happy and replaces it with anger and frustration, until they too walk around with storm clouds over their heads.

To the Eeyore's in my life - STOP IT! Life is too short to look at the bad side of things all the time. Try opening up your eyes to the blessings you've been given. You may not have the ideal job - who among us does after all? - but doggone it you HAVE one! You may not get the hours you want, but the potential for hours is still there. You may not get the pay you want, but again, the potential is there. If you don't like your job, find a new one. If you like your job but want more money, find a second one. If you wake up and it's hot out, at least you can see the sun, feel it on your skin and rejoice in the chance to soak up some precious Vitamin D (THIS is my Eeyore spot by the way - I'm not too fond of hot weather). If you wake up and it's raining, don't grumble about getting wet, rejoice that the earth gets a drink of water. When you look in the mirror or step on the scale and don't like what you see, rather than go around grumbling and whining about it, DO something positive about it (I'm looking at myself here my friends - I'm such an Eeyore in this scenario). Moaning about how tight your jeans are isn't going to make them fit better and will make you feel even worse. The eyerolls you see and you go on and on about this problem, or that problem, from those around you is the people you care about getting frustrated. Any moment now they are going to bolt for the door. When you find yourself having a hard time finding anyone willing to sit and listen to your troubles with any real sympathy, there could be a reason for it that has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with you.

Here's a thought . . . Try for 1 week to look at the good in each morning, each activity and each blessing, rather than grumbling about how things are not the way you want them to be. I can just about guarantee you that you'll end the week feeling better, and that your family and friends won't resent the heck out of your very presence. I speak to everyone I know when I say this because we all of us, every single one, has the potential each day to be an Eeyore - and every single one of us needs to know that this attitude impacts everyone we come into contact with and brings them down to Eeyore level too.

I guess what I really am trying to say is stop being someone's storm cloud and bring on some happy . . .

Land of the Free - BECAUSE of the Brave!

Not my words - but worthy of sharing!

WHAT DOES THE 4TH OF JULY MEAN.....TO YOU ? Hot dogs and beer or time to remember the foundation this great nation is built on?

Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence ?

Five signers were captured by the British as traitors,and tortured before they died. Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured. Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War. They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.

What kind of men were they?

Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants,nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated, but they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured.

Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.

Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.

Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.

At the battle of Yorktown , Thomas Nelson, Jr., noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.

Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.

John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his
children vanished.

So, take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they paid.

Remember: freedom is never free!

Making Space for Growth . . .Leave No Room for Regret

Wow, I didn't realize how long it had been since I'd posted anything. Ever since that blasted tree hit the house it has seemed like we have been in a whirlwind of activity! It's high time to catch up on all the news - most of it great!

In May my beloved daughter moved back home to Washington. After 9 months of learning that Colorado was not the place for her, at least not in the situation she was in at the time, it was decided that she was going to come home. We put our heads together and made it happen. The sight of her at the airport, beautiful, confident and HOME filled my heart with a joy that is impossible to describe. Life was getting back to what it should be, both kids were in the same time zone and I was happy with that. Of course as with any transition it's had its growing pains, but the joy is still there and this mama couldn't be more thrilled. To top of THIS great news, her boyfriend decided that he missed her way too much and couldn't let her leave his life, so he too moved back from Colorado to Washington, and we are one big happy family again, even if we are all running in different directions most of the time. We KNOW that we're close by, and that's what is important.

June is still playing itself out, but honestly what gives with the winter weather this late in the year? I swear we all need to don hip waders just for daily living! They say Washington gets a lot of rain, and for years I had to laugh at "them" because it really wasn't that bad. Until now. NOW? Now it's raining constantly it seems, though I must admit that for right this minute the sun is out and the clouds are more puffy in nature than ominous. Many lovely visits with family and friends are planned for the summer, along with the usual chaos of yard work, garage work, etc.

But THE event to top off summer, THE dream vacation that I've always secretly longed for, my wonderful husband is making happen! In September we go on a cruise to Alaska. I know, Alaska! I said it! Some people dream of world travel, going to hot tropical places . . . I dream of Alaska, last frontier, wilderness, ice, cold, amazingly wild and beautiful Alaska. Everyone can keep their trips to Europe, South America, Africa and the like. I get to go visit Alaska and am thrilled beyond thrilled to be going!

For right now though, until the trip happens, my mind is all over the place, thinking of things I need to do to get ready - the main one of which is to lose a little more weight. I can stand to lose a LOT more weight, but I'd like to be down 1 size, maybe 2, before I go. Will I get on that ship at my current weight? Sure I will, wouldn't miss it for the world! But I'd like to dress up for hubby and not feel like the hippo in the silk skirt, you know? Exercise, tracking my food, trying to get enough sleep, getting support and encouragement from family and friends, all the components are there. Now it's up to me to put them all together and make it happen.

Everything I thought I knew was sort of compartmentalized in my head in the here and now, meaning in or near my town in Washington State. But now? I am expanding my horizons to learn about someplace new, experience something different, and have time with my husband to have the honeymoon we should have had if time had allowed when we got married. So of everything I have to learn about what I didn't know . . . It's to allow room for mental and emotional growth - and leave unlimited space for spiritual growth so there are not spaces left in your head and heart for regret. Now, luggage, I need to find some luggage . . .

In the Battle of Tree Vs House . . . God Speaks . . .

A few weeks ago I went home from work on a Monday with an overwhelming feeling that I just did not want to go to work the next day. Now, I am a normal person - usually - and it isn't unusual for me to wish I could stay home from work to do things around the house. It IS unusual however for me to have more than a fleeting thought of staying home for any but my usual days off if I don't have anything specific planned for which a day off is actually warranted. As I made my usual commute from work to home however this feeling got to be incredibly intense. My head started to hurt, my eyes started to itch and I thought, great, now I'm getting sick or having an allergy attack. Throughout the evening as I prepared dinner and sat down to eat it with R the feelings grew, the headache got worse and the eyes began to blur a little as they got itchier. Finally at bed time as I said my prayers I told God that I'd stay home if I woke up feeling as bad as I did right then, or worse, just figuring I'd be better in the morning. When I woke up the act of lifting my head off of the pillow was an effort in will power. My eyes were puffy and swollen so that I could barely see. I looked like I'd been bopped in the face! That's it, I was staying home. I called and left my message at work, got R's lunch and breakfast ready and prepared to go back to bed. The moment I laid my head down on the pillow again the headache began to clear and the swelling in my eyes went away. Weird. Well, I was home already so I decided I'd just enjoy the day and get some chores done.

As I puttered around the house, humming along with some music that I had playing I noticed that the wind was kicking up outside - quite a bit! Branches began falling from the trees and hitting the house, making me worry about the skylight. They kept crashing to the back deck, and I, in my infinite "wisdom" kept running out to pick them up and toss them overboard into the yard. Smart, huh? Yeah, that's thinkin! At one point as I ran from the bedroom from depositing some folded laundry into it's proper spot, to the laundry room to put another load in, the dog began to dance around like she needed to go out. I eyeballed the French doors to the back deck, watching the trees sway violently back and forth in a frenzied dance with the wind, dreading going out in it and weighing my options. As I stood there, about 5 feet from the doors, I heard a voice say loudly in my left ear, over my shoulder, "DO NOT GO OUT THE BACK DOOR!". I jumped and whirled around, since I was home alone, to see who was in my house, my heart thundering in my chest, adrenaline suddenly coursing through my body . . . nobody was there. Of course they weren't, I was home alone . . . but no, I wasn't, for a moment I'd forgotten that we are never actually alone. God is always there, watching out for us. I turned back to the door and in that moment, perhaps a minute or so after the voice told me to not go outside, a tree crashed into the porch, snapping the trunk on the support beams of the deck, and landed on the roof of the house, sending the doors crashing inward with the force, the resounding noise sounding like the entire house was going to come falling in around my feet. As I stood there for a moment, in shock, I realized that the tree had landed exactly where I would have been standing had I taken the dog outside, and the destruction of the BBQ Grill, the railing, etc. could easily have been me. I began to shake in reaction, as I closed the doors and attempted to secure them shut.

Over the next few minutes the reality set in as I put all the pieces together. I needed to be home from work that day. If I had not been home the tree would have landed on the house and the doors knocked open, leaving the inside of the house open to the elements whipping around outside, the pets would have been at risk for getting out, and possibly hurt or killed, and I would have missed out on something so profound, so miraculous, that to have missed it would have been devastatingly wrong. God told me to stay home and in my stubborness the only way He could work that out was to make me feel sick and blur my vision so I couldn't drive. I knew the wind was blowing and that I shouldn't go outside, but in my momentary indecision about whether or not to take the dog outside, I was ignoring what common sense was telling me about the safety out there! Through all of that, I heard the voice of God. He spoke to me in an audible voice, getting my attention when nothing else He was showing me was getting through. I've heard the voice of God before, but not for a very long time. He usually speaks to my heart and often times I sit up and take notice. He comes to me in my dreams, showing me things I need to see to solve a problem or issue, refreshing my soul as a puzzle is solved in my mind and heart. Rarely though do we get the chance to hear Him speak out loud, so when we get that opportunity it's really a good idea to wake up and pay attention.

In the battle of Tree Vs House, the tree had a temporary victory, but the house stayed strong with only minor repairs necessary. In the battle of my will vs the will of God? My will struggles to take hold, wavers on the edges of drowning out the voice of the Lord, but as I grow and get stronger in my foundation of faith, God wins hands down. My small victories are actually losses, but as God makes the necessary repairs and builds me up, then ultimately my "house" will stand strong and durable as only a house built on God can stand. In the battle of You vs God, where do you stand?

Walking Through the Shadows Towards the Light . . .

When I was 13 years old I got my first "real" job - meaning the 1st one that didn't involve babysitting - at a Christian camp ground. My duties were a lot of fun, and included serving food to groups of people who were there for conferences or meetings, cleaning up the dining room, food prep, working in the snack bar and helping clean up the cabins. When the kids weren't on duty they were allowed to roam the grounds freely, utilizing the canoes, wandering the little island in the middle of the lake, using the obstacle course, etc. We lived two houses outside the main gate to the camp, and the entrance to what at that time, to a nervous 13 year old who was scared of the dark, the longest dirt road in the history of dirt roads.

This road was lined by some of the tallest trees I'd ever seen, and seemed to be taller and darker the further the sun got to setting, or prior to the sun rising in the morning. I had to be at work on Saturday mornings by 5:00 or so, and in the winter this meant that the sun hadn't come up yet. My mom had offered a time or two to walk or drive me to work, but she'd ask me during daylight when I was feeling quite brave. By the time I stood under the streetlight by our driveway looking into the inky blackness that was the middle of the wilderness I must travel it was too late to get her out of bed and ready to take me to work before I would be late - and Cook hated it when we were late! I recall stepping into the shadows out of the light, every sound magnified by the roaring fear in my ears. Twigs snapping under woodland creatures feet, the rustling of the leaves in the wind turned into monsters stalking my progress. My breath would get raspy as I hurried along, walking as fast as my legs would carry me, tempted to run, but knowing that if I tripped on a loose stone and fell I'd hurt myself and nobody would know I was there unable to get up and I'd be stuck in the darkness for goodness only knew how long. If I could just get down the road and around the bend I knew there was a street light waiting with its golden halo of blessed light, so it was to that light I hurried, praying in my head and heart that God would get me there without the boogeymen leaping out of the night to get me. I always arrived, and was able to laugh off my fears as the sun came up, traveling the return trip with friends who would meet their parents near my driveway, laughing and forgetting for a time the morning walk through the shadows with the chills of panic racing up and down my spine. Until the next morning . . .

As a grown up I find myself traveling down dark roads many times, afraid of what is lurking in the shadows, but these are roads in my mind and heart, shadows cast by hidden pain from the past, fears creating monsters formed from words spoken rashly in anger or frustration. Walking down this road with the rocks creating stumbling points in my path, it is sometimes challenging to remember that at the other end of the darkness waits a halo of golden light, of understanding and love from those we fill our hearts and minds with. God is in control of the travels, and if we let Him lead us by thinking through how He would have us speak to the ones we love, and by learning from the lessons He sends our way as we stumble along, we will grow in Him and in our relationships that we have been blessed to be given.

As the murky darkness surrounds my travels I must remember something very important. At the end of each of life's struggles and challenges is a light of encouragement and love, for along the way though I may feel all alone, I am not. God is walking with me. Something that I have learned, sometimes the hard way, is that it's not all about the great and powerful ME. When I hear of a friend having troubles, the first words out of my mouth should not be "What about me?" "But where do I fit in" or "Why is this happening to me?" It's not! It's not happening to me, it's happening to my friend or my loved one and it's nothing to do with me! It is my place as their friend to be their encouragement through their walk in the dark. By the same token, if I am sharing a problem I am having with a friend, I am looking for loving support and am hurt very much by a response of "What about me?" from them. We all travel on our own dark, dirt road at one time or another. Some of us walk it all the time as we find our way to where we are supposed to be, and some of us find our way to the light from learning the lessons sent with love from God, family and friends. I'm still walking the road as I learn valuable lessons in compromise, compassion, faith, loyalty, non-judgemental or unselfish friendship. I stumble and fall to my knees, humbled into slowing down even in the black of night, to listen to the rustling in the trees, for on that wind is carried the voice of God and the lessons of love that He sends.

Have you stopped to listen lately? Slow down to keep from falling and hear what it is that God is saying in the whisper of the breeze . . .

Happy Birthday My Beautiful "Baby" Girl . . .

I sit here reflecting back on the past 26 years, amazed at how fast they've flown by, filled with joy at the woman you are and the potential for all the things you can still do with your life, and sadness at time that has passed us by with wasted moments that could have been filled with memories of laughter and joy. This isn't about regret though, this is about happiness and celebration. Today I celebrate one of my biggest blessings in my life - the day you, my amazing daughter entered my life and filled an empty space in my heart that was meant just for you.

I know you have heard this story each year since you are born, but now it's pretty much a tradition right? So here you go . . . since you aren't here for me to say it in person I'll put it out there for EVERYONE to share! Do you have your coffee?

March 1, 1984 started out as a regular day in the life of a 19 year old mother-to-be. First Meme (my mom to those of you who don't know her) was taking me to my weekly check-up with the doctor since we were getting close to your due date, to be followed by a big juicy burger & ice cream sundae at Farrell's Ice Cream Parlor. I loved that place! My tummy was gurgling in anticipation (ok it was always gurgling in anticipation of SOME sort of food, but I was feeding a GIANT baby and always hungry!) and I was impatient for my appointment to be over. Nobody looks forward to these appointments anyway - at least if they are normal they don't look forward to them - but I was hungry, it was lunch time and I wanted it to be done. I waddled into the doctor's office, hit the bathroom first thing (those reading this who have been pregnant get this part completely!) and wandered in to see the doc when my name was called. He did his exam - oh joy - and looked up at me and said "Are you in any pain?" No, no pain. "Discomfort then?" Um . . . no. I'm fine. Hungry, but fine. He paused and took a second look-see at what was going on down yonder and asked me again if I was in ANY discomfort - cramping, aching, back pain? Um. NO I'm hungry! I had to go to the bathroom when I got here, went, discomfort gone. NOW it was time for lunch. Well, he busted that joyous balloon of happiness right quick.

I was, apparently, in labor and didn't know it. At 6 cms dilation the doctor made a dictatorial announcement that this hungry mama was NOT going to be going out to eat, but was going straight to the hospital to deliver you! I wasn't thrilled with this announcement and my stomach gave a bellow at the doc for good measure. He wasn't swayed from his decision and even went so far as to call Meme in to let her know, in no uncertain terms, to take me straight to the hospital and not to let me to convince her to take me to lunch first. DRAT! Foiled again! I wasn't in pain, I hadn't broken my water! I had plenty of time! Well apparently not. This was 12:05 pm, and you made your joyous, somewhat noisy appearance at 5:17 pm that afternoon. I discovered three things during my time between the doctors office and the moment they placed you into my arms, all 9 lbs 2 oz, 21 inches of you . . . 1) ice chips are NOT filling . . . . 2) babies come in their own time no matter what Mama wants . . . 3) you were the most beautiful, precious creature to ever enter this world and obviously one of God's most exquisite works of art. The same holds true today.

Every day as your mother has been an adventure, a blessing, and even the frustration of the teen years were worth every moment. I am honored to have been chosen to be your Mom. I love you K. I love you with all of my heart and I ache that we cannot be together on the day of your birth, but know that all day long - as you are every single day - you are in my mind, in my heart and my every thought will be with you today. May you be filled with the joy that you deserve to be filled with on your special day and may God grant you peace in your heart for the coming year and all the years yet to come.

Happy Anniversary My Darling Husband . . .

Three years ago today my husband and I exchanged vows that bind our hearts and lives together. What a wonderful day that was and one that I'll cherish forever. I never thought I would find a place in my heart to love or trust someone again, but that's because I was looking at it through eyes and heart that were filled with pain and the delusions caused by betrayal. God, thankfully, had other plans for me and brought this wonderful man into my life.

R, you are amazing. More so because you deny being anything special, but I need you to know that you are! Every morning when I wake up by your side I am thankful and happy that you are there. All day when we're at work I think about you and anticipate going home to throw myself into your arms for a hug and a kiss. When I'm home and you're gone I look forward to seeing you walk through that door, not feeling complete while we're apart! You are kindness and generousity wrapped up in the gruff and serious exterior you wear so much of the time. You are a gentleman with honor, integrity and strength of mind, body and spirit. There are days I am just overwhelmed by how blessed I am to be your wife and to be walking through life together from this point forward, facing the challenges and joys we encounter together, each lending the other our strengths and perspectives which together makes us stronger than we are on our own.

I love you. I appreciate you. I honor you. I am blessed by you. Happy Anniversary R, today and for the many we have to celebrate together.

Out of the Darkness . . .

We all have pasts - some good, some bad, mostly a combination of events that stack up over the years and shape the person we are to become as grown-ups. I hope I never finish growing up because after the last couple of weeks I see that I still have a lot of shaping to do and don't want the construction and remodeling to ever finish!

As you all have read in previous entries, I came from an emotionally and mentally destructive marriage - from the age of 17 when I met him, until we went our separate ways just over 5 years ago - I went from a self-confident young woman with places to go and things to accomplish, to being caged in an overweight and unhealthy body with my emotions screaming out for freedom from the oppression that was my life. Not a day went by when I wasn't berated, disrepected or in some way made to feel that I was so much garbage, but I was so used to it that it had gotten to the point I didn't even notice. I went about my days commuting and working to support my family because my ex refused to get a real job and be a man. I lived in an exhausted fog, existing on barely 4 hours of sleep a night, and I felt lucky on those nights when he didn't wake me up at 2 a.m. for sex that I didn't want when I was that tired, followed by a spoonful of Ben & Jerry's shoved into my face. When I protested that I didn't want nor need the ice cream, but craved sleep instead, the abuse would heap upon me until I was in a state of near hysteria and over time it became auto-pilot to just eat the darned ice cream so I could get back to sleep. Thank God for the ferry commute or I would never have gotten any uninterrupted sleep. Oh, and a side note, the ice cream abuser? Spent years griping that I was "fat and freaking ugly" even while sabataging my every effort for healthy eating.

During those years I pushed much of the hurt into a little box and hid it in the back of that shadowy closet in my mind, adding to it as things would happen that I just couldn't deal with, until the lid to the box was having a very hard time staying closed! I added betrayal of so called friends, disappointments in things I didn't accomplish, sadness over losses of loved ones, and dreams that I assumed that I was doomed not to achieve to the box. If I listened I could sometimes hear the hinges on the lid creaking as I sat on it to squash it closed. I had become very efficient at turning a deaf ear though, tuning out extraneous voices or events so I could focus instead on projects or thoughts I chose to focus on. It haunts me sometimes to this day, this "ability" to tune out. Sometimes I accidentally tune out people I shouldn't, and don't want to tune out! My loving husband for one! Sorry R!!! I truly don't mean to do that to you, but old habits are so difficult to break. Please remember, I'm a work in progress and have you to thank for much of that progress! The horrible thing about the abuse and pushing it away is that it is so easy to put on a happy face and think that all is right with my own little world. I could go through all the motions, do all the right things, be following whatever set of guidelines I had decided to follow, but inevitably nothing turned out as I'd planned for I hadn't dealt with the overflowing box in my closet.

Praise God this has changed! A couple of weeks ago that box came bursting open, shoving open the closet door and spilling out many of those painful moments and memories into the sunlight of my concious mind. The pain was nearly enough to collapse me where I stood, but with the help of R, my dear friend S, and of course the Lord, I cried my way through it, finally admitting to myself that I had become so used to defeat that it had become my way of life. The horrible admission that I didn't feel that I deserved happiness, health or to even lose the weight that was holding me in place like concrete shoes, exploded in front of me. My AHA moment had happened. I've had many of them in the last few years, but this one was a doozy. I had thought that R was just saying all the positive things about how I could do whatever I set my mind to, how I was beautiful, how I was wonderful, how I can achieve anything, were just things he had to say because he loved me, but he couldn't possibly mean them, right? After all, I wasn't worthy! I wasn't worthy of fidelity, loyalty, kindness or love for all of my adult life til I met R! Why would I be worthy of someone this amazing and special? Because I am!!! That's why!

God created me in His image and I was tarnishing my own value by believing the words and abuse of someone who was so much acid to my life, to my confidence and to my very existence. So out of the darkness and into the Light I emerge, new, learning to be confident and to appreciate that I do deserve to feel this way, and to be as healthy and happy as God created me to be.

What's hiding in your closet that's holding you back from being the best you that you can be? Might be a good time to find out!

With Honor and Integrity They Serve . . .

My heart overflows with pride in my son, in his team members, and our military in general. I always am proud of them, and my prayers for them are constant, but today I sit here with my emotions mounting as I think about the selflessness of each of these people who are so willing to set their lives aside to do their duty for their country, and for mankind. The generousity of these men and women knows no bounds.

I must admit that every single time my son called in to work saying he couldn't be in because they had an emergency preparedness drill, I never doubted that they did indeed call them in for such a drill, but I wondered if it was really all that necessary to inconvenience employers with NO notice whatsoever. But orders are orders, you do what you must when you belong to the military, right? Now I understand exactly WHY they had to do that! With a new commanding officer who is aware that the team must be ready to go anywhere at any time, things have changed. Since it was obvious after recent events that preparedness wasn't at its peak (I'm sure we can all recall disasters in our recent history), and it was decided that this team was to practice, and practice well, how to get out and onto business in a hurry. The practice paid off. G got the late night call on Monday night that they were on high alert for emergency aid to Haiti, by Wednesday morning he was in the air on his way. In that amount of time every single person of the assembled team had pulled together their gear, taken care of personal business pertaining to being gone from their lives, reported to the base and were gone. Wow. I challenge any person WITHOUT such preparedness training to do that without even a ripple of chaos. As inconvenient as it is for employers, and disruptive for families, this was such valuable training, and since any of us could, at any time, be in need of the expertise and efficiency of our military we should be thanking God they are capable of meeting the needs of those in crisis and have been trained to do just that. Any disgruntled grumblings, or narcissitic belly-aching of "poor me" by anyone on the civilian side just need to stop, shut-up, and grow some gratitude. These young men and women have earned the right for our understanding, our support and our love.

G - I am proud of you. You have honor. You have integrity. You have the dedication to go beyond just what you can get for yourself out of your time in the Reserves. You have the gift of willingness to serve others. You are a wonderful man and you have my heart with you on your journey to help those who need you. Thank you.

Music of the Rain . . .

In the wee hours of the morning, somewhere near 3 a.m., my loving dog decided she needed to go outside. She doesn't normally wake up in the middle of the night - good for her since as each year passes I get up more and more - so for her to be whining and dancing at the bedroom door told me it was urgent. Trying not to wake my hubby, I got out of bed, put on my robe and went out with the dog. I stood under the eaves, back against the door, avoiding the rainfall, but as I stood there I heard the most beautiful song.

Nearly holding my breath with wonder I listened to the serenade of the raindrops falling on the leaves of the trees, on the deck, on the roof and on the neighbor's shed. Each surface, each different leaf resounded with a different tone, so when all were put together it created the most incredible sound, music from heaven, God's song in each drop from above. While I stood there in wonder, still avoiding getting wet, it dawned on me that we are like the raindrops. We are sent here by God to sing His song, with discordant sounds dropping from those who fall away or in many cases avoid His work, much like the drops that were falling on various hollow objects made an odd THUNKing sound, at odds with the harmony of the chorus going on around them. We spend our lives, in His image, with a job at hand to sing in harmony with His word, doing His work. Those who choose not too, sing to a different rhythm, out of harmony and out of kilter with peace, love and hope. When our time here is done, and it is chosen for us to go to our eternal rest, the last note we sing is like the last drop of rain in a pool, echos of our song sending out harmonious rings of memory on the smooth waters to all who we met in this life. The discordant drops land unheard on the muddied landscape, leaving behind nothing but the murk of harmful influence and negative words.

What do we want to be in our lives? I choose to be a harmonious raindrop, falling in chorus with God's will. The travels won't be easy, but they will be rewarding as my echos someday ripple on the surface of the memories of those I've left behind.