If You Have Something to Say About Me . . . Say It To ME!!!

I'm about to have a verbal temper tantrum . . . It's long overdue and though the people I'm angry with may never see this at least I will feel better.

This tantrum is going to start with a disclaimer, that disclaimer being that I love my family, every single one of them, whether they are my parents, my children, my sibling or his family, my cousins both near and far, etc. If we share blood, I love you. This is my way of venting my feelings so that they don't boil over and make me crazy. Any protectiveness from anyone who loves me is so appreciated, but not necessary in this instance. I'm a big girl and just need to let this out and this is how I'm choosing to do so . . . Ok, bring on the tirade . . .

I love my father. I know my father loves me. Truth is I know he loves me and my children very much. However, my father has always been closer to my brother for a variety of reasons, and that shows up constantly in nearly every conversation I've ever had with my dad, or that I've overheard him having with someone else. It's all about J, on and on and on. Or about J's kids, on and on and on. We know! You love him more! You have more in common with him. I get it! Fact is that this hurts me very much. Well, last week it all boiled over. We were blessed with a return to the family of a long lost nephew, one we haven't seen in many many years, and it's long overdue. All of us are extremely happy about this wonderful event, and rejoicing both individually and together. This is my brother's oldest child and we have loved him and prayed for him for years, that he'd be safe and healthy and one day return to us. He has, and this is so wonderful! My Dad, in his joy, posted a message on a social networking site, that incorrectly stated that the picture he was speaking about was that of his oldest and youngest grandsons together. Well, I KNEW what he meant - that these were his oldest and youngest of his son. But that's not what he said. MY son is his oldest grandson and I was very angry, and very hurt, that he'd not taken a moment to think through his post before he posted it. A seemlingly small incident in the grand scheme of family dynamics, but it was the straw that broke this camels back and I wrote him a long email detailing how I felt about not only this, but other issues. I discussed the situation with my mother also. And that's where the family uproar begins.

Nobody cares that I'm hurt, except perhaps my Mom, and to some degree my Dad, but that I spoke to Mom about it, got her all riled up and she confronted Dad. Now they are all sniping about me behind my back, all upset with ME for outting Dad and exposing him to the Wrath of Mom. SO, for those of you who believe it is OK to do this, I'm putting it on the record, if you ever see this, that it's NOT!

J - you are my "baby" brother and I love you. With that said, you are a royal pain in my backside. You don't know how to STOP and take a breath and listen to anyone else. All of life is all about you, what you have accomplished, believe you have accomplished, or would like to accomplish someday. People who have done anything important in this life don't need to talk about it for the recognition, they are happy to have done what it was they did and don't need the kudos. True heroes in this life don't seek that pat on the back. I'm honestly sick of hearing everyone go on and on about any of it. The stories just get bigger and bigger as the years go by and it's gotten to the point that it just brings on one big collective eyeroll! I don't want my brother to be a laughingstock or butt of jokes, I want people to respect you! You are a good hearted man who loves his family very much! You would do anything for your family, and I know it! That alone is worthy of being proud of yourself, and make you stand taller and with confidence. You don't need to blather on and on about things past and present that in the grand scheme don't really amount to much. It's raising those kids to be productive human beings, THAT'S what will get you those pats on the back, without even asking for them.

This is to J and his wife - You adore each other. I am so happy you have found each other and have made a life together. I see how you look at each other and know that there couldn't be a better match for either of you out there, so that makes my heart glad. But on the other hand, I'm still very angry with both of you - the anger has diminished, and I thought it was gone, but last week's emotional blow out just brought it all out and I need to clean out that part of my mental attic, throw light on the subject and let it see resolution for my own well being. J, for years you knew what my horrible ex was doing to me. You even participated in part of the bad behavior back when you were young and stupid. Once or twice you gave a half hearted attempt to tell me what was going on, but if you REALLY wanted to make me see the truth you would have figured out how. He was taking his nasty, adulterous self into the business we BOTH hung out in, along with the disgusting female he was cheating with at the moment, flaunting in front of my family his cheating on me. You knew! He discussed it with you, put on his "poor pitiful me" look and managed to get you on his side! If you'd have truly wanted me to see the truth you would have taken pictures or a video and shown me. No, you tried briefly to mention it, and when I was in denial you gave up. If I thought for one moment that either of you were cheating on the other you can bet your bottom dollar I'd follow the cheater everywhere, record the infidelity and host movie night for you both! It's absolutely horrifying that my own family watched me go through this. J you were part of his other life since you were 18 years old and you just let me blindly believe he loved me when he only truly loved himself! The betrayal is something I don't know if I'll ever truly get over! I can forgive, and I have, but I will never, ever forget. How can I?

Dad, there should NEVER be secrets from Mom. Ever. You are married. You chose her many years ago to be your partner in this life and yet you live like strangers. You don't want her to be angry with you - well boohoo! You aren't exactly an ideal husband, nor is she an ideal wife! We are human beings, subject to fail over and over, but we're supposed to be trying to get it right by learning from our mistakes and making things better for ourselves and the ones we love! What is going on in your head? Seriously?!? I came to you and Mom about something bothering me. Ideally you should have been able to discuss it and resolve the issue and we should all have been able to move on. But no, of course not. The dysfunction in this family runs too deeply for that I guess. She let you have it with both barrels, and knowing Mom, it probably went on for some time. You then couldn't let it rest at that, no, you had to go and discuss it with J & K, now my daughter is unhappy with me for talking to you and Mom about the portion of our conversation that she revealed to me - since she was part of the subject being discussed, J & K are talking about me behind my back, and honestly I don't know that I can ever share my feelings with you again! I can't trust that they will stay between you and I, which really rather dooms any possibility of getting over our emotional failings and making any sort of a healthy father/daughter relationship with each other, doesn't it? You really need to think about what it is you are doing to hurt Mom so you don't continue to do it. Even if she still gets angry about the past, you'll know you are being the best you can be and that alone puts you in God's will when it comes to your marriage. FIX YOUR MISTAKES! You can do it, it's truly not too late. The first thing you can do to that end is to never take sides with anyone - not me, not J, not anyone - against your wife. She is the other half of you and deserves the respect for her position in your life. You put her in that position in your life and it's your God given responsibility to honor that, no matter what.

Mom, I know you'll never see this because you aren't computer knowledgeable, but I have to include you to clear my brain and heart. You need to let go of your anger at the past so that when something in the present makes you mad you don't dredge up ancient history and blast the guilty party - usually Dad - with every single thing you feel he's hurt you by doing. Stop it! You are his partner. You took vows to love him and honor him, just as he did with you, and yet I haven't seen you honor each other once in my entire life. It hurts to know that you are always angry and perpetually carrying your hurt with you, ready to blast out that anger at any trigger event - no matter whether it's big or small. You have such a loving and nurturing heart, but don't show it to many people because of the grudge you carry with you all of the time. Isn't it getting to be a heavy load to carry? Yes, Dad's hurt you. He's hurt you very badly. He continues to do things to hurt you because he isn't trying to learn from his mistakes, and you continue to hurt him in retaliation. It has to stop before one or both of you has a heart attack! I love you both and don't want to lose you to a stress related event caused by a stupid, nonsensical argument that isn't going to solve anything! He doesn't hear you when you do that, and you see him not hearing and you get louder and longer winded. STOP IT!!!!! You aren't helping anyone, especially not yourself. Put this burden down and move on - by doing that, by forgiving what you feel is the unforforgiveable and moving on (I didn't say forget - that's not humanly possible without traumatic amnesia being involved), you will be in God's will as a wife and even if Dad continues to hurt you, you will know you've done everything you should as a wife. He is the other half of you, has been for years, and as such he deserves the respect and honor of that position. You put him in that spot, it's your God given responsibility to honor it no matter what.

I am not without fault in all of this, never thought I was. My little girl came to me to discuss something that was bothering her. It coincided with this little blow-out with Dad, and as such I couldn't seem to shut up and it ALL came tumbling out when I talked to Mom and emailed my letter to Dad. That was wrong of me, and to my daughter, I am so sorry. I was wrong and I hope you are able to forgive me for that breaking of your trust. I wouldn't hurt you for the world and I am very sorry for that. I am the one who wouldn't listen when J tried to tell me years ago about G's behavior - I didn't want to believe it, therefore I didn't. For that I was wrong. All the signs were there and it hurt too much to acknowledge it. You did try, I don't feel that you tried hard enough, but you did try.

The secrets must stop. Nobody should be saying or doing anything that they don't feel they can disclose to everyone in the family - it puts up divisive walls in the family and that is never good for any relationship - whether it is the relationship between husbands and wives, siblings, parents and children, etc. It's wrong! So stop doing things you aren't proud of doing, stop saying things you wouldn't say directly to someone's face, and let's start treating each other like we love each other. We say we do, so let's make it a reality.

Now I want to add something very important - I am married to the most supportive, amazing and wonderful man. He is literally my knight in shining armor, my protector, my biggest fan and my cheering section when I'm down on myself. He sees the way that certain members of my family behave towards me and his natural instinct is to hold me up and defend me against all who would do me harm - be it physical, mental or emotional. To you R, I love you. I appreciate you with all of my heart and I know that no matter what I can depend on you always, I can know you are in my corner 24 hours of every single day and I am in yours. This is so new to me still, even after 5 years I find myself bracing myself for the next verbal blow, emotional punch and mental attack . . . but you're there every single time to hold me up and keep me strong. Thank you, for being you, for being mine and for loving me.

Bottom line to everyone who cares to take this into consideration - if you have something to say about me, say it to ME!! And I'll do the same for you.