Happy Birthday My Beautiful "Baby" Girl . . .

I sit here reflecting back on the past 26 years, amazed at how fast they've flown by, filled with joy at the woman you are and the potential for all the things you can still do with your life, and sadness at time that has passed us by with wasted moments that could have been filled with memories of laughter and joy. This isn't about regret though, this is about happiness and celebration. Today I celebrate one of my biggest blessings in my life - the day you, my amazing daughter entered my life and filled an empty space in my heart that was meant just for you.

I know you have heard this story each year since you are born, but now it's pretty much a tradition right? So here you go . . . since you aren't here for me to say it in person I'll put it out there for EVERYONE to share! Do you have your coffee?

March 1, 1984 started out as a regular day in the life of a 19 year old mother-to-be. First Meme (my mom to those of you who don't know her) was taking me to my weekly check-up with the doctor since we were getting close to your due date, to be followed by a big juicy burger & ice cream sundae at Farrell's Ice Cream Parlor. I loved that place! My tummy was gurgling in anticipation (ok it was always gurgling in anticipation of SOME sort of food, but I was feeding a GIANT baby and always hungry!) and I was impatient for my appointment to be over. Nobody looks forward to these appointments anyway - at least if they are normal they don't look forward to them - but I was hungry, it was lunch time and I wanted it to be done. I waddled into the doctor's office, hit the bathroom first thing (those reading this who have been pregnant get this part completely!) and wandered in to see the doc when my name was called. He did his exam - oh joy - and looked up at me and said "Are you in any pain?" No, no pain. "Discomfort then?" Um . . . no. I'm fine. Hungry, but fine. He paused and took a second look-see at what was going on down yonder and asked me again if I was in ANY discomfort - cramping, aching, back pain? Um. NO I'm hungry! I had to go to the bathroom when I got here, went, discomfort gone. NOW it was time for lunch. Well, he busted that joyous balloon of happiness right quick.

I was, apparently, in labor and didn't know it. At 6 cms dilation the doctor made a dictatorial announcement that this hungry mama was NOT going to be going out to eat, but was going straight to the hospital to deliver you! I wasn't thrilled with this announcement and my stomach gave a bellow at the doc for good measure. He wasn't swayed from his decision and even went so far as to call Meme in to let her know, in no uncertain terms, to take me straight to the hospital and not to let me to convince her to take me to lunch first. DRAT! Foiled again! I wasn't in pain, I hadn't broken my water! I had plenty of time! Well apparently not. This was 12:05 pm, and you made your joyous, somewhat noisy appearance at 5:17 pm that afternoon. I discovered three things during my time between the doctors office and the moment they placed you into my arms, all 9 lbs 2 oz, 21 inches of you . . . 1) ice chips are NOT filling . . . . 2) babies come in their own time no matter what Mama wants . . . 3) you were the most beautiful, precious creature to ever enter this world and obviously one of God's most exquisite works of art. The same holds true today.

Every day as your mother has been an adventure, a blessing, and even the frustration of the teen years were worth every moment. I am honored to have been chosen to be your Mom. I love you K. I love you with all of my heart and I ache that we cannot be together on the day of your birth, but know that all day long - as you are every single day - you are in my mind, in my heart and my every thought will be with you today. May you be filled with the joy that you deserve to be filled with on your special day and may God grant you peace in your heart for the coming year and all the years yet to come.

Happy Anniversary My Darling Husband . . .

Three years ago today my husband and I exchanged vows that bind our hearts and lives together. What a wonderful day that was and one that I'll cherish forever. I never thought I would find a place in my heart to love or trust someone again, but that's because I was looking at it through eyes and heart that were filled with pain and the delusions caused by betrayal. God, thankfully, had other plans for me and brought this wonderful man into my life.

R, you are amazing. More so because you deny being anything special, but I need you to know that you are! Every morning when I wake up by your side I am thankful and happy that you are there. All day when we're at work I think about you and anticipate going home to throw myself into your arms for a hug and a kiss. When I'm home and you're gone I look forward to seeing you walk through that door, not feeling complete while we're apart! You are kindness and generousity wrapped up in the gruff and serious exterior you wear so much of the time. You are a gentleman with honor, integrity and strength of mind, body and spirit. There are days I am just overwhelmed by how blessed I am to be your wife and to be walking through life together from this point forward, facing the challenges and joys we encounter together, each lending the other our strengths and perspectives which together makes us stronger than we are on our own.

I love you. I appreciate you. I honor you. I am blessed by you. Happy Anniversary R, today and for the many we have to celebrate together.

Out of the Darkness . . .

We all have pasts - some good, some bad, mostly a combination of events that stack up over the years and shape the person we are to become as grown-ups. I hope I never finish growing up because after the last couple of weeks I see that I still have a lot of shaping to do and don't want the construction and remodeling to ever finish!

As you all have read in previous entries, I came from an emotionally and mentally destructive marriage - from the age of 17 when I met him, until we went our separate ways just over 5 years ago - I went from a self-confident young woman with places to go and things to accomplish, to being caged in an overweight and unhealthy body with my emotions screaming out for freedom from the oppression that was my life. Not a day went by when I wasn't berated, disrepected or in some way made to feel that I was so much garbage, but I was so used to it that it had gotten to the point I didn't even notice. I went about my days commuting and working to support my family because my ex refused to get a real job and be a man. I lived in an exhausted fog, existing on barely 4 hours of sleep a night, and I felt lucky on those nights when he didn't wake me up at 2 a.m. for sex that I didn't want when I was that tired, followed by a spoonful of Ben & Jerry's shoved into my face. When I protested that I didn't want nor need the ice cream, but craved sleep instead, the abuse would heap upon me until I was in a state of near hysteria and over time it became auto-pilot to just eat the darned ice cream so I could get back to sleep. Thank God for the ferry commute or I would never have gotten any uninterrupted sleep. Oh, and a side note, the ice cream abuser? Spent years griping that I was "fat and freaking ugly" even while sabataging my every effort for healthy eating.

During those years I pushed much of the hurt into a little box and hid it in the back of that shadowy closet in my mind, adding to it as things would happen that I just couldn't deal with, until the lid to the box was having a very hard time staying closed! I added betrayal of so called friends, disappointments in things I didn't accomplish, sadness over losses of loved ones, and dreams that I assumed that I was doomed not to achieve to the box. If I listened I could sometimes hear the hinges on the lid creaking as I sat on it to squash it closed. I had become very efficient at turning a deaf ear though, tuning out extraneous voices or events so I could focus instead on projects or thoughts I chose to focus on. It haunts me sometimes to this day, this "ability" to tune out. Sometimes I accidentally tune out people I shouldn't, and don't want to tune out! My loving husband for one! Sorry R!!! I truly don't mean to do that to you, but old habits are so difficult to break. Please remember, I'm a work in progress and have you to thank for much of that progress! The horrible thing about the abuse and pushing it away is that it is so easy to put on a happy face and think that all is right with my own little world. I could go through all the motions, do all the right things, be following whatever set of guidelines I had decided to follow, but inevitably nothing turned out as I'd planned for I hadn't dealt with the overflowing box in my closet.

Praise God this has changed! A couple of weeks ago that box came bursting open, shoving open the closet door and spilling out many of those painful moments and memories into the sunlight of my concious mind. The pain was nearly enough to collapse me where I stood, but with the help of R, my dear friend S, and of course the Lord, I cried my way through it, finally admitting to myself that I had become so used to defeat that it had become my way of life. The horrible admission that I didn't feel that I deserved happiness, health or to even lose the weight that was holding me in place like concrete shoes, exploded in front of me. My AHA moment had happened. I've had many of them in the last few years, but this one was a doozy. I had thought that R was just saying all the positive things about how I could do whatever I set my mind to, how I was beautiful, how I was wonderful, how I can achieve anything, were just things he had to say because he loved me, but he couldn't possibly mean them, right? After all, I wasn't worthy! I wasn't worthy of fidelity, loyalty, kindness or love for all of my adult life til I met R! Why would I be worthy of someone this amazing and special? Because I am!!! That's why!

God created me in His image and I was tarnishing my own value by believing the words and abuse of someone who was so much acid to my life, to my confidence and to my very existence. So out of the darkness and into the Light I emerge, new, learning to be confident and to appreciate that I do deserve to feel this way, and to be as healthy and happy as God created me to be.

What's hiding in your closet that's holding you back from being the best you that you can be? Might be a good time to find out!