Believing In Love . . . Repairing Broken Hearts and Shattered Dreams . . .

I believe in marriage. Completely, thoroughly, and with all of my heart. Even after 22 years in a marriage that did not work, I believe in it. God created marriage and the vows between two people who choose to spend their lives together are sacred. It seems like people treat marriage as if it is a transitional stage to be entered into with a built in "get-out-if-things-get tough" clause. This isn't how things were intended to be! God gave a couple of reasons for marriages to dissolve - infidelity being one of them, and abuse being another. In my case it was both, but even so I did not choose to leave. I placed great value on the vows I took, and the better/worse/richer/poorer meant something to me. Even though I was miserable and an emotionally beaten wreck, I knew that my place was right where I was and it took my ex-husband to make the choice to leave. In hindsight it was the best thing that could have happened to me, because now I am married to an amazing man who loves God and he values marriage, which results in loving and respecting me and the promises we made to each other.

Right now two people I love very much are facing such an intense struggle in their marriage that my heart is breaking for them. Their love had such promise in the beginning, and in spite of the very obvious hurdles and challenges they would face in their lives together, they are both strong and resilient people and if anyone could make this work, they could. I believe that God brought them together for a purpose, and I believe that He has saved them from some very real dangers so that that purpose can be fulfilled. Their failure to truly be able to communicate with each other how they feel, what they need, and together work out a compromise that works for both of them stems partly from their youth, partly from individual self-centered focus on their own issues, and partly from not basing their marriage on Godly principles. They have been beating their heads against the walls of wanting their own way in this life, forgetting that marriage has to be WORKED at for it to actually function, and holding out for unrealistic expectations that saying "I Do" would suddenly make the monsters go away and a sense of wonder, excitement and contentment move in and live forever in their relationship. This just isn't real life.

Real life is facing problems together and deciding what is best for the health of the relationship. Real life is sometimes giving up your own desires for the comfort and well-being of your spouse. Real life is sometimes having to cry to release the hurt before you work through it. It is sometimes feeling like screaming at the one you love out of sheer frustration, then holding them close afterward. It is loving your spouse always, but knowing that there are times you just won't like each other very much. It is accepting the other person for who they are without recrimination, it is trusting that they will be faithful to you and you only because that is what they vowed to do. If that vow is broken, then it is time to decide where to go with the problem, but until that actually happens, there must be trust! Loving your spouse is seeing that what you are doing is ripping them apart, and doing whatever is necessary to fix it and change what it is you are doing. Sacrificing yourself for them, which will end up being the most rewarding thing you've ever done. It is never calling names, because words cannot be unsaid once they are said.

What I see is two people who started out with dreams, but many obstacles to face. I see some things that cannot be changed, but that can be adapted to with patience and a good, long, clear look inside of yourselves. There is a need to stop pointing fingers at what the other is doing, because each of you is causing hurt to the other, so stop what it is you are doing to help the hurt to stop happening. Start understanding where the other is coming from and take baby steps towards reaching a place of understanding and calm. I see two people who need to get some help with these struggles, and there are definitely places to turn for that help if you'll just try.

Please, don't let the struggle of right now destroy the promise of tomorrow. This is an opportunity to grow, to learn how to overcome the temptation to just give up. You are worth the effort. Your love is strong enough, you just have lost sight of that in the face of what is currently going on. God brought you together, the vows you made were intended to last for your lifetime. Marriage should not be disposable, please treat it gently and with care. Seek help through Christian counseling, EFT Therapy to resolve the emotional impact of past emotional trauma, and/or at home Christ based relationship studies. Please don't give up on your love, it's precious, so very fragile, and so worth the tender care to keep it safe and help it to grow.

It is my hourly prayer that God hold you close to Him, that He help you to heal, give you the strength to abide by the promises you made to each other and not take the simple way out. It is my prayer that the love that you found in the beginning will flourish and grow, for in God everything is possible.

Milestones and Goals . . .

When my son was about 10 years old he announced that some day he was going to be a policeman. Many boys say this, and he, like so many other children, changed his mind about what he wanted to be when he grew up many times. At one point he wanted to be a cowboy (that one was pretty shortlived), then a stuntman (with his ability to hurt himself tripping over air, that one was ill-advised), and of course "a cop". He'd go back and forth and change his future dreams on a whim, but it always came back to wanting to be a policeman. Most children make announcements of this sort and as life goes on they go on to either more easily achievable dreams, or reduce their wishes to something that isn't anywhere near the grandiose schemes of youth. I'm sure many of us sit down at night and wonder where all of our dreams for the future went and how we ended up where we are. Most children though, aren't my son. When he was 12 he created a plan of action for achieving a position in law enforcement. He found out he could be on the search and rescue team when he turned 14 . . . so he did! He was a team leader by the time he was 15, and training other new search team members. He took a course through school in fire and law enforcement, which resulted in becoming a Sheriff's Cadet by the time he was 16. When he was 17 he signed up to join the USCG Reserves, and 3 days after he turned 18 he was leaving for basic training - with Mom sobbing hysterically the whole time. The following few years saw him home from basic, off to A-School, and on 3 deployments around the globe. When he returned from his last deployment he applied and tested for a position on a small town police department, and was hired! On June 20th, 2012 my son achieved his goal. . . he graduated 3rd in his class from the police academy!!! We can all take a page from this young man's book. He set a goal for himself, he created a plan, and he carried out that plan to achieve his dreams. I'm so proud of him, and a part of me is envious. I was one of those people who had big dreams, but that's all they really were. . . they didn't become goals to be carried out. On second thought, I did achieve my goal. I raised two productive people from birth to adulthood, and I gave to the world some amazing people who will do amazing things, each in their own way. I thought I wanted more out of life, but really, I think I'm fine with what I have. I have love, I have family, I have friends, and I see my son reaching his goals and carrying out his dreams. Life is good!