Family Dynamics and Love With Conditions . . .

I have always thought that love conquers all . . . and I suppose in ideal circumstances it does . . . to a point. When it comes to families though ideal circumstances fall far away from reality, and when it comes to friends it seems to be riddled with strings attached to all sorts of sundry places that don't make sense and defy what the meaning of love and friendship stand for in this world.

My family means the world to me. When I think of my family it goes in order of my husband, my children, my parents, my sibling, followed by other family such as nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Even though there is an order and sequence to their positions in my lives, these relationships are all interwoven and influence each other ranging between a little bit and a lot, depending on who I'm dealing with, and who is involved. For the most part if someone does something that I consider to be hurtful, disrespectful or downright meanspirited, I let it roll off of me and move on. Do this often enough and sometimes there is a residual build up of resentment or pain that will eventually come to a breaking point. This unfortunately affects not just me, but my husband as well, along with anyone else involved. In general though, if someone hurts me I am capable of forgiving and moving on, for we are all human and fallable - and I certainly fit in to that category front and center.

Suddenly I find myself in the middle of a family meltdown and I'm hating every single second of it. I spent last night crying, and some of today. My head is pounding, my eyes are puffy and I am no closer to a solution to the quagmire of emotional muck I find myself buried in up to my neck. I confronted my parents with emotions that run deep about my relationship with them from my youth. My brother was dragged into it, so I shared my heartfelt feelings with him - and I admit that I opened up and let it all out - and THAT has turned into a mess. His wife is angry with me for "attacking" my brother, who is a big boy and if we could just deal with this on our own we'd be fine - and apparently I'm more at odds with everyone than if I had just continued to swallow my feelings. Oh wait! All of this lovely drama, emotion, disrespect and lack of supportive love has angered my husband and has put us at odds with each other. I'm tired, and I don't understand what is going on!

Add to the mix friends. Friends at work don't care what is going on at home - of course I don't share with friends at work what goes on at home generally speaking, because for one thing, it's not their business, and for another . . . well, there isn't another reason, that was it. But when things are going on at home and emotions are running high there are people at work who really choose the wrong moment to step on every single one of my nerves, repeatedly and with increasing intensity. Little stuff that wouldn't bother me if I weren't already in emotional crisis mode. Those days put me on an edge that makes me ready to blow up - and sometimes I do blow up. Sorry to anyone I vented to - not your fault- truly. Friends who aren't at work have the best intentions and truly want to help, but I can't share my every emotion sometimes. I just can't! One, if I try I cry and I'm tired of crying and Two, there's nothing you can do to help and you have your own stuff to deal with without adding mine to the mix. I'm a very independent person in many ways, and truly will work through this with the people actually involved. Please don't be insulted or hurt - this isn't about you - it's about me, it's about my marriage, it's about my relationship with people who are supposed to love me unconditionally, but sometimes don't. Making it about you and being hurt by it just adds more pressure to me and honestly I just can't deal with any more pressure.

God does loves us unconditionally. Think about that for a moment and digest what that means. Unconditionally. He loves us no matter what we do, no matter how we act, no matter who we disappoint, no matter whether we are angry, sad, happy or completely dysfunctional - and seriously - aren't most of us pretty darned dysfunctional? He loves us when we hurt someone, or when we have been hurt. He never leaves, never gives up, never throws up his hands and tells us we aren't worth the trouble. We, as Christ followers have a responsibility to ourselves, but mostly to God, to emulate God our Father in everything. Granted we are doomed to fall short for we are, after all, human and fallable in every way, but we are supposed to try! I fall short. I know I do. I know there's a long list of things that I do, that I shouldn't, that do not glorify God. Every day should be a work in progress to live up to His standards. One thing I try to be consistent about though, is forgiving those who hurt me and trying to build better relationships with them. Knowing that, I am having such a hard time figuring out how I'm in this middle of this family muddle that has my brain on fire with pain, and my eyes gritty and hurting from crying so many tears. It is my deep desire for everyone to come to God, to know His forgiveness and love. I want every single person I know to someday, when I move on to Heaven, to look back on my life and be able to say that I was a loving person, a forgiving person, and they saw Jesus reflected in my life. Obviously I'm falling sort of that, or else all of this family anger would not be surrounding me at this moment. All I want, with all of my heart, is for my family to accept and love each other - good stuff, bad stuff and in bewteen stuff. I want to look at my husband and see love reflected back at me, and pride in the person he married, and know that he sees that I want nothing but to be the best wife, mother, daughter and friend I can possibly be, and that I am trying with all of my heart to do just that. What I am finding though is that God is the only one who loves unconditionally. Everyone else has conditions and I'm exhausted trying to keep up with all of them.

One last observation, I cannot be the one to meet everyone else's needs. I cannot be your caretaker, confidant, advisor, source of amusement, informaton and conscience, for I wear the hats of wife, mother, daughter, worker and friend and there are many demands of all of those hats. I have to take emotional time for me and if I don't, eventually my brain says enough is enough, something breaks loose and I have to take a complete break - so if I've disappointed you by not coming through for you in a way you'd like me to, maybe you should ask yourself - what have you done for me lately? If you can't come up with anything, perhaps you can figure out why I'm having to take a break. Whether you are family or friend, I can't be everything to everyone without losing me in the process. For the moment I feel part of me is lost and wandering. Until I find that piece of me that feels broken and lost, be patient - or don't. The end result is the same - I have to fix the hurt in me before I can attempt to do anything for you. It doesn't mean I don't love you - I do. If you are someone in my life, then I do love you no matter who you are. I just need this time to focus on what's right here at home, and find that balance so desperately needed to make a home life happy.

Chalk it up to yet another thing I thought I knew . . . Love is only unconditional if it comes from God.

If You Have Something to Say About Me . . . Say It To ME!!!

I'm about to have a verbal temper tantrum . . . It's long overdue and though the people I'm angry with may never see this at least I will feel better.

This tantrum is going to start with a disclaimer, that disclaimer being that I love my family, every single one of them, whether they are my parents, my children, my sibling or his family, my cousins both near and far, etc. If we share blood, I love you. This is my way of venting my feelings so that they don't boil over and make me crazy. Any protectiveness from anyone who loves me is so appreciated, but not necessary in this instance. I'm a big girl and just need to let this out and this is how I'm choosing to do so . . . Ok, bring on the tirade . . .

I love my father. I know my father loves me. Truth is I know he loves me and my children very much. However, my father has always been closer to my brother for a variety of reasons, and that shows up constantly in nearly every conversation I've ever had with my dad, or that I've overheard him having with someone else. It's all about J, on and on and on. Or about J's kids, on and on and on. We know! You love him more! You have more in common with him. I get it! Fact is that this hurts me very much. Well, last week it all boiled over. We were blessed with a return to the family of a long lost nephew, one we haven't seen in many many years, and it's long overdue. All of us are extremely happy about this wonderful event, and rejoicing both individually and together. This is my brother's oldest child and we have loved him and prayed for him for years, that he'd be safe and healthy and one day return to us. He has, and this is so wonderful! My Dad, in his joy, posted a message on a social networking site, that incorrectly stated that the picture he was speaking about was that of his oldest and youngest grandsons together. Well, I KNEW what he meant - that these were his oldest and youngest of his son. But that's not what he said. MY son is his oldest grandson and I was very angry, and very hurt, that he'd not taken a moment to think through his post before he posted it. A seemlingly small incident in the grand scheme of family dynamics, but it was the straw that broke this camels back and I wrote him a long email detailing how I felt about not only this, but other issues. I discussed the situation with my mother also. And that's where the family uproar begins.

Nobody cares that I'm hurt, except perhaps my Mom, and to some degree my Dad, but that I spoke to Mom about it, got her all riled up and she confronted Dad. Now they are all sniping about me behind my back, all upset with ME for outting Dad and exposing him to the Wrath of Mom. SO, for those of you who believe it is OK to do this, I'm putting it on the record, if you ever see this, that it's NOT!

J - you are my "baby" brother and I love you. With that said, you are a royal pain in my backside. You don't know how to STOP and take a breath and listen to anyone else. All of life is all about you, what you have accomplished, believe you have accomplished, or would like to accomplish someday. People who have done anything important in this life don't need to talk about it for the recognition, they are happy to have done what it was they did and don't need the kudos. True heroes in this life don't seek that pat on the back. I'm honestly sick of hearing everyone go on and on about any of it. The stories just get bigger and bigger as the years go by and it's gotten to the point that it just brings on one big collective eyeroll! I don't want my brother to be a laughingstock or butt of jokes, I want people to respect you! You are a good hearted man who loves his family very much! You would do anything for your family, and I know it! That alone is worthy of being proud of yourself, and make you stand taller and with confidence. You don't need to blather on and on about things past and present that in the grand scheme don't really amount to much. It's raising those kids to be productive human beings, THAT'S what will get you those pats on the back, without even asking for them.

This is to J and his wife - You adore each other. I am so happy you have found each other and have made a life together. I see how you look at each other and know that there couldn't be a better match for either of you out there, so that makes my heart glad. But on the other hand, I'm still very angry with both of you - the anger has diminished, and I thought it was gone, but last week's emotional blow out just brought it all out and I need to clean out that part of my mental attic, throw light on the subject and let it see resolution for my own well being. J, for years you knew what my horrible ex was doing to me. You even participated in part of the bad behavior back when you were young and stupid. Once or twice you gave a half hearted attempt to tell me what was going on, but if you REALLY wanted to make me see the truth you would have figured out how. He was taking his nasty, adulterous self into the business we BOTH hung out in, along with the disgusting female he was cheating with at the moment, flaunting in front of my family his cheating on me. You knew! He discussed it with you, put on his "poor pitiful me" look and managed to get you on his side! If you'd have truly wanted me to see the truth you would have taken pictures or a video and shown me. No, you tried briefly to mention it, and when I was in denial you gave up. If I thought for one moment that either of you were cheating on the other you can bet your bottom dollar I'd follow the cheater everywhere, record the infidelity and host movie night for you both! It's absolutely horrifying that my own family watched me go through this. J you were part of his other life since you were 18 years old and you just let me blindly believe he loved me when he only truly loved himself! The betrayal is something I don't know if I'll ever truly get over! I can forgive, and I have, but I will never, ever forget. How can I?

Dad, there should NEVER be secrets from Mom. Ever. You are married. You chose her many years ago to be your partner in this life and yet you live like strangers. You don't want her to be angry with you - well boohoo! You aren't exactly an ideal husband, nor is she an ideal wife! We are human beings, subject to fail over and over, but we're supposed to be trying to get it right by learning from our mistakes and making things better for ourselves and the ones we love! What is going on in your head? Seriously?!? I came to you and Mom about something bothering me. Ideally you should have been able to discuss it and resolve the issue and we should all have been able to move on. But no, of course not. The dysfunction in this family runs too deeply for that I guess. She let you have it with both barrels, and knowing Mom, it probably went on for some time. You then couldn't let it rest at that, no, you had to go and discuss it with J & K, now my daughter is unhappy with me for talking to you and Mom about the portion of our conversation that she revealed to me - since she was part of the subject being discussed, J & K are talking about me behind my back, and honestly I don't know that I can ever share my feelings with you again! I can't trust that they will stay between you and I, which really rather dooms any possibility of getting over our emotional failings and making any sort of a healthy father/daughter relationship with each other, doesn't it? You really need to think about what it is you are doing to hurt Mom so you don't continue to do it. Even if she still gets angry about the past, you'll know you are being the best you can be and that alone puts you in God's will when it comes to your marriage. FIX YOUR MISTAKES! You can do it, it's truly not too late. The first thing you can do to that end is to never take sides with anyone - not me, not J, not anyone - against your wife. She is the other half of you and deserves the respect for her position in your life. You put her in that position in your life and it's your God given responsibility to honor that, no matter what.

Mom, I know you'll never see this because you aren't computer knowledgeable, but I have to include you to clear my brain and heart. You need to let go of your anger at the past so that when something in the present makes you mad you don't dredge up ancient history and blast the guilty party - usually Dad - with every single thing you feel he's hurt you by doing. Stop it! You are his partner. You took vows to love him and honor him, just as he did with you, and yet I haven't seen you honor each other once in my entire life. It hurts to know that you are always angry and perpetually carrying your hurt with you, ready to blast out that anger at any trigger event - no matter whether it's big or small. You have such a loving and nurturing heart, but don't show it to many people because of the grudge you carry with you all of the time. Isn't it getting to be a heavy load to carry? Yes, Dad's hurt you. He's hurt you very badly. He continues to do things to hurt you because he isn't trying to learn from his mistakes, and you continue to hurt him in retaliation. It has to stop before one or both of you has a heart attack! I love you both and don't want to lose you to a stress related event caused by a stupid, nonsensical argument that isn't going to solve anything! He doesn't hear you when you do that, and you see him not hearing and you get louder and longer winded. STOP IT!!!!! You aren't helping anyone, especially not yourself. Put this burden down and move on - by doing that, by forgiving what you feel is the unforforgiveable and moving on (I didn't say forget - that's not humanly possible without traumatic amnesia being involved), you will be in God's will as a wife and even if Dad continues to hurt you, you will know you've done everything you should as a wife. He is the other half of you, has been for years, and as such he deserves the respect and honor of that position. You put him in that spot, it's your God given responsibility to honor it no matter what.

I am not without fault in all of this, never thought I was. My little girl came to me to discuss something that was bothering her. It coincided with this little blow-out with Dad, and as such I couldn't seem to shut up and it ALL came tumbling out when I talked to Mom and emailed my letter to Dad. That was wrong of me, and to my daughter, I am so sorry. I was wrong and I hope you are able to forgive me for that breaking of your trust. I wouldn't hurt you for the world and I am very sorry for that. I am the one who wouldn't listen when J tried to tell me years ago about G's behavior - I didn't want to believe it, therefore I didn't. For that I was wrong. All the signs were there and it hurt too much to acknowledge it. You did try, I don't feel that you tried hard enough, but you did try.

The secrets must stop. Nobody should be saying or doing anything that they don't feel they can disclose to everyone in the family - it puts up divisive walls in the family and that is never good for any relationship - whether it is the relationship between husbands and wives, siblings, parents and children, etc. It's wrong! So stop doing things you aren't proud of doing, stop saying things you wouldn't say directly to someone's face, and let's start treating each other like we love each other. We say we do, so let's make it a reality.

Now I want to add something very important - I am married to the most supportive, amazing and wonderful man. He is literally my knight in shining armor, my protector, my biggest fan and my cheering section when I'm down on myself. He sees the way that certain members of my family behave towards me and his natural instinct is to hold me up and defend me against all who would do me harm - be it physical, mental or emotional. To you R, I love you. I appreciate you with all of my heart and I know that no matter what I can depend on you always, I can know you are in my corner 24 hours of every single day and I am in yours. This is so new to me still, even after 5 years I find myself bracing myself for the next verbal blow, emotional punch and mental attack . . . but you're there every single time to hold me up and keep me strong. Thank you, for being you, for being mine and for loving me.

Bottom line to everyone who cares to take this into consideration - if you have something to say about me, say it to ME!! And I'll do the same for you.

Are You Someone's Storm Cloud?

I try to be upbeat and look on the positive side of things. It's just easier on the emotions. It isn't always that way, there are times that things do get me down. I get cranky, I get upset, I growl and howl at the injustices of life. Sometimes I even have an all out tantrum! Cleanses the mental and emotional palate just a bit, and makes room for a new outlook once all the sludge has passed on through, sort of like the peace following a big storm. Taking in the fresh clean air after the storm is always so refreshing. Knowing that, I have a really hard time understanding why more people don't try to see the positive, but instead focus on the negative of life. It doesn't make any sense.

Every single day each one of us comes into contact with one or more people that just can't seem to get a handle on anything except negativity. They wake up in the morning and are upset that they have to go to work, so rather than thanking God that they have a job, they go all Eeyore on the situation and moan and groan about it being too hot to work, too cold to work, too tiring to work, they have too many hours or too long of a day, or too few hours or too short of a day. They can't seem to strike that happy spot that shines light on any situation EVER! The result of this attitude ends up being that they not only focus on their own negativity, they bring down everyone they come into contact with, and that ultimately makes everyone want to run screaming to a different location where happy, upbeat and positive people are hanging out - leaving the Eeyore to munch on the sour grapes in isolation. Think about it, with the current administration (I prefer to think of it as a regime) systematically dismantling our country, our freedoms, our liberty and our happiness one piece at a time, we are living in a house of cards, knowing that at any moment it could all come crashing down on our heads. We turn on the news we see disasters created by both God and man, and honestly it's frightening. With all of that negativity going on all around us all the time, it's more important than ever to look inside of our hearts and find that happy place that makes a little bit of Tigger pop up in our outlook. We don't need to ignore the negative, just temper it a bit with positive so we aren't doom and gloom in every aspect of our daily lives.

We all have an Eeyore that is always depressed and down in the mouth - some of us have more than one Eeyore in our lives. If you are an Eeyore and didn't realize it, sit up and pay attention to what you're doing to your friends and family. Think about this. When you get up in the morning and greet the day, is it with a happy thought and a thank you to God for giving you a job, a roof, food, clothes and friends? Or do you greet it with a grimace on your face, a scowl in your heart and a determination to be miserable no matter what? Do you find the dark cloud in every situation, or do you search until you find the silver lining? What you do to your family and friends is horrible! The stress that you heap on their systems by your very negativity takes away their happy and replaces it with anger and frustration, until they too walk around with storm clouds over their heads.

To the Eeyore's in my life - STOP IT! Life is too short to look at the bad side of things all the time. Try opening up your eyes to the blessings you've been given. You may not have the ideal job - who among us does after all? - but doggone it you HAVE one! You may not get the hours you want, but the potential for hours is still there. You may not get the pay you want, but again, the potential is there. If you don't like your job, find a new one. If you like your job but want more money, find a second one. If you wake up and it's hot out, at least you can see the sun, feel it on your skin and rejoice in the chance to soak up some precious Vitamin D (THIS is my Eeyore spot by the way - I'm not too fond of hot weather). If you wake up and it's raining, don't grumble about getting wet, rejoice that the earth gets a drink of water. When you look in the mirror or step on the scale and don't like what you see, rather than go around grumbling and whining about it, DO something positive about it (I'm looking at myself here my friends - I'm such an Eeyore in this scenario). Moaning about how tight your jeans are isn't going to make them fit better and will make you feel even worse. The eyerolls you see and you go on and on about this problem, or that problem, from those around you is the people you care about getting frustrated. Any moment now they are going to bolt for the door. When you find yourself having a hard time finding anyone willing to sit and listen to your troubles with any real sympathy, there could be a reason for it that has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with you.

Here's a thought . . . Try for 1 week to look at the good in each morning, each activity and each blessing, rather than grumbling about how things are not the way you want them to be. I can just about guarantee you that you'll end the week feeling better, and that your family and friends won't resent the heck out of your very presence. I speak to everyone I know when I say this because we all of us, every single one, has the potential each day to be an Eeyore - and every single one of us needs to know that this attitude impacts everyone we come into contact with and brings them down to Eeyore level too.

I guess what I really am trying to say is stop being someone's storm cloud and bring on some happy . . .

Land of the Free - BECAUSE of the Brave!

Not my words - but worthy of sharing!

WHAT DOES THE 4TH OF JULY MEAN.....TO YOU ? Hot dogs and beer or time to remember the foundation this great nation is built on?

Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence ?

Five signers were captured by the British as traitors,and tortured before they died. Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured. Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War. They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.

What kind of men were they?

Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants,nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated, but they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured.

Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.

Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.

Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.

At the battle of Yorktown , Thomas Nelson, Jr., noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.

Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.

John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his
children vanished.

So, take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they paid.

Remember: freedom is never free!