Walking Through the Shadows Towards the Light . . .

When I was 13 years old I got my first "real" job - meaning the 1st one that didn't involve babysitting - at a Christian camp ground. My duties were a lot of fun, and included serving food to groups of people who were there for conferences or meetings, cleaning up the dining room, food prep, working in the snack bar and helping clean up the cabins. When the kids weren't on duty they were allowed to roam the grounds freely, utilizing the canoes, wandering the little island in the middle of the lake, using the obstacle course, etc. We lived two houses outside the main gate to the camp, and the entrance to what at that time, to a nervous 13 year old who was scared of the dark, the longest dirt road in the history of dirt roads.

This road was lined by some of the tallest trees I'd ever seen, and seemed to be taller and darker the further the sun got to setting, or prior to the sun rising in the morning. I had to be at work on Saturday mornings by 5:00 or so, and in the winter this meant that the sun hadn't come up yet. My mom had offered a time or two to walk or drive me to work, but she'd ask me during daylight when I was feeling quite brave. By the time I stood under the streetlight by our driveway looking into the inky blackness that was the middle of the wilderness I must travel it was too late to get her out of bed and ready to take me to work before I would be late - and Cook hated it when we were late! I recall stepping into the shadows out of the light, every sound magnified by the roaring fear in my ears. Twigs snapping under woodland creatures feet, the rustling of the leaves in the wind turned into monsters stalking my progress. My breath would get raspy as I hurried along, walking as fast as my legs would carry me, tempted to run, but knowing that if I tripped on a loose stone and fell I'd hurt myself and nobody would know I was there unable to get up and I'd be stuck in the darkness for goodness only knew how long. If I could just get down the road and around the bend I knew there was a street light waiting with its golden halo of blessed light, so it was to that light I hurried, praying in my head and heart that God would get me there without the boogeymen leaping out of the night to get me. I always arrived, and was able to laugh off my fears as the sun came up, traveling the return trip with friends who would meet their parents near my driveway, laughing and forgetting for a time the morning walk through the shadows with the chills of panic racing up and down my spine. Until the next morning . . .

As a grown up I find myself traveling down dark roads many times, afraid of what is lurking in the shadows, but these are roads in my mind and heart, shadows cast by hidden pain from the past, fears creating monsters formed from words spoken rashly in anger or frustration. Walking down this road with the rocks creating stumbling points in my path, it is sometimes challenging to remember that at the other end of the darkness waits a halo of golden light, of understanding and love from those we fill our hearts and minds with. God is in control of the travels, and if we let Him lead us by thinking through how He would have us speak to the ones we love, and by learning from the lessons He sends our way as we stumble along, we will grow in Him and in our relationships that we have been blessed to be given.

As the murky darkness surrounds my travels I must remember something very important. At the end of each of life's struggles and challenges is a light of encouragement and love, for along the way though I may feel all alone, I am not. God is walking with me. Something that I have learned, sometimes the hard way, is that it's not all about the great and powerful ME. When I hear of a friend having troubles, the first words out of my mouth should not be "What about me?" "But where do I fit in" or "Why is this happening to me?" It's not! It's not happening to me, it's happening to my friend or my loved one and it's nothing to do with me! It is my place as their friend to be their encouragement through their walk in the dark. By the same token, if I am sharing a problem I am having with a friend, I am looking for loving support and am hurt very much by a response of "What about me?" from them. We all travel on our own dark, dirt road at one time or another. Some of us walk it all the time as we find our way to where we are supposed to be, and some of us find our way to the light from learning the lessons sent with love from God, family and friends. I'm still walking the road as I learn valuable lessons in compromise, compassion, faith, loyalty, non-judgemental or unselfish friendship. I stumble and fall to my knees, humbled into slowing down even in the black of night, to listen to the rustling in the trees, for on that wind is carried the voice of God and the lessons of love that He sends.

Have you stopped to listen lately? Slow down to keep from falling and hear what it is that God is saying in the whisper of the breeze . . .

Happy Birthday My Beautiful "Baby" Girl . . .

I sit here reflecting back on the past 26 years, amazed at how fast they've flown by, filled with joy at the woman you are and the potential for all the things you can still do with your life, and sadness at time that has passed us by with wasted moments that could have been filled with memories of laughter and joy. This isn't about regret though, this is about happiness and celebration. Today I celebrate one of my biggest blessings in my life - the day you, my amazing daughter entered my life and filled an empty space in my heart that was meant just for you.

I know you have heard this story each year since you are born, but now it's pretty much a tradition right? So here you go . . . since you aren't here for me to say it in person I'll put it out there for EVERYONE to share! Do you have your coffee?

March 1, 1984 started out as a regular day in the life of a 19 year old mother-to-be. First Meme (my mom to those of you who don't know her) was taking me to my weekly check-up with the doctor since we were getting close to your due date, to be followed by a big juicy burger & ice cream sundae at Farrell's Ice Cream Parlor. I loved that place! My tummy was gurgling in anticipation (ok it was always gurgling in anticipation of SOME sort of food, but I was feeding a GIANT baby and always hungry!) and I was impatient for my appointment to be over. Nobody looks forward to these appointments anyway - at least if they are normal they don't look forward to them - but I was hungry, it was lunch time and I wanted it to be done. I waddled into the doctor's office, hit the bathroom first thing (those reading this who have been pregnant get this part completely!) and wandered in to see the doc when my name was called. He did his exam - oh joy - and looked up at me and said "Are you in any pain?" No, no pain. "Discomfort then?" Um . . . no. I'm fine. Hungry, but fine. He paused and took a second look-see at what was going on down yonder and asked me again if I was in ANY discomfort - cramping, aching, back pain? Um. NO I'm hungry! I had to go to the bathroom when I got here, went, discomfort gone. NOW it was time for lunch. Well, he busted that joyous balloon of happiness right quick.

I was, apparently, in labor and didn't know it. At 6 cms dilation the doctor made a dictatorial announcement that this hungry mama was NOT going to be going out to eat, but was going straight to the hospital to deliver you! I wasn't thrilled with this announcement and my stomach gave a bellow at the doc for good measure. He wasn't swayed from his decision and even went so far as to call Meme in to let her know, in no uncertain terms, to take me straight to the hospital and not to let me to convince her to take me to lunch first. DRAT! Foiled again! I wasn't in pain, I hadn't broken my water! I had plenty of time! Well apparently not. This was 12:05 pm, and you made your joyous, somewhat noisy appearance at 5:17 pm that afternoon. I discovered three things during my time between the doctors office and the moment they placed you into my arms, all 9 lbs 2 oz, 21 inches of you . . . 1) ice chips are NOT filling . . . . 2) babies come in their own time no matter what Mama wants . . . 3) you were the most beautiful, precious creature to ever enter this world and obviously one of God's most exquisite works of art. The same holds true today.

Every day as your mother has been an adventure, a blessing, and even the frustration of the teen years were worth every moment. I am honored to have been chosen to be your Mom. I love you K. I love you with all of my heart and I ache that we cannot be together on the day of your birth, but know that all day long - as you are every single day - you are in my mind, in my heart and my every thought will be with you today. May you be filled with the joy that you deserve to be filled with on your special day and may God grant you peace in your heart for the coming year and all the years yet to come.

Happy Anniversary My Darling Husband . . .

Three years ago today my husband and I exchanged vows that bind our hearts and lives together. What a wonderful day that was and one that I'll cherish forever. I never thought I would find a place in my heart to love or trust someone again, but that's because I was looking at it through eyes and heart that were filled with pain and the delusions caused by betrayal. God, thankfully, had other plans for me and brought this wonderful man into my life.

R, you are amazing. More so because you deny being anything special, but I need you to know that you are! Every morning when I wake up by your side I am thankful and happy that you are there. All day when we're at work I think about you and anticipate going home to throw myself into your arms for a hug and a kiss. When I'm home and you're gone I look forward to seeing you walk through that door, not feeling complete while we're apart! You are kindness and generousity wrapped up in the gruff and serious exterior you wear so much of the time. You are a gentleman with honor, integrity and strength of mind, body and spirit. There are days I am just overwhelmed by how blessed I am to be your wife and to be walking through life together from this point forward, facing the challenges and joys we encounter together, each lending the other our strengths and perspectives which together makes us stronger than we are on our own.

I love you. I appreciate you. I honor you. I am blessed by you. Happy Anniversary R, today and for the many we have to celebrate together.

Out of the Darkness . . .

We all have pasts - some good, some bad, mostly a combination of events that stack up over the years and shape the person we are to become as grown-ups. I hope I never finish growing up because after the last couple of weeks I see that I still have a lot of shaping to do and don't want the construction and remodeling to ever finish!

As you all have read in previous entries, I came from an emotionally and mentally destructive marriage - from the age of 17 when I met him, until we went our separate ways just over 5 years ago - I went from a self-confident young woman with places to go and things to accomplish, to being caged in an overweight and unhealthy body with my emotions screaming out for freedom from the oppression that was my life. Not a day went by when I wasn't berated, disrepected or in some way made to feel that I was so much garbage, but I was so used to it that it had gotten to the point I didn't even notice. I went about my days commuting and working to support my family because my ex refused to get a real job and be a man. I lived in an exhausted fog, existing on barely 4 hours of sleep a night, and I felt lucky on those nights when he didn't wake me up at 2 a.m. for sex that I didn't want when I was that tired, followed by a spoonful of Ben & Jerry's shoved into my face. When I protested that I didn't want nor need the ice cream, but craved sleep instead, the abuse would heap upon me until I was in a state of near hysteria and over time it became auto-pilot to just eat the darned ice cream so I could get back to sleep. Thank God for the ferry commute or I would never have gotten any uninterrupted sleep. Oh, and a side note, the ice cream abuser? Spent years griping that I was "fat and freaking ugly" even while sabataging my every effort for healthy eating.

During those years I pushed much of the hurt into a little box and hid it in the back of that shadowy closet in my mind, adding to it as things would happen that I just couldn't deal with, until the lid to the box was having a very hard time staying closed! I added betrayal of so called friends, disappointments in things I didn't accomplish, sadness over losses of loved ones, and dreams that I assumed that I was doomed not to achieve to the box. If I listened I could sometimes hear the hinges on the lid creaking as I sat on it to squash it closed. I had become very efficient at turning a deaf ear though, tuning out extraneous voices or events so I could focus instead on projects or thoughts I chose to focus on. It haunts me sometimes to this day, this "ability" to tune out. Sometimes I accidentally tune out people I shouldn't, and don't want to tune out! My loving husband for one! Sorry R!!! I truly don't mean to do that to you, but old habits are so difficult to break. Please remember, I'm a work in progress and have you to thank for much of that progress! The horrible thing about the abuse and pushing it away is that it is so easy to put on a happy face and think that all is right with my own little world. I could go through all the motions, do all the right things, be following whatever set of guidelines I had decided to follow, but inevitably nothing turned out as I'd planned for I hadn't dealt with the overflowing box in my closet.

Praise God this has changed! A couple of weeks ago that box came bursting open, shoving open the closet door and spilling out many of those painful moments and memories into the sunlight of my concious mind. The pain was nearly enough to collapse me where I stood, but with the help of R, my dear friend S, and of course the Lord, I cried my way through it, finally admitting to myself that I had become so used to defeat that it had become my way of life. The horrible admission that I didn't feel that I deserved happiness, health or to even lose the weight that was holding me in place like concrete shoes, exploded in front of me. My AHA moment had happened. I've had many of them in the last few years, but this one was a doozy. I had thought that R was just saying all the positive things about how I could do whatever I set my mind to, how I was beautiful, how I was wonderful, how I can achieve anything, were just things he had to say because he loved me, but he couldn't possibly mean them, right? After all, I wasn't worthy! I wasn't worthy of fidelity, loyalty, kindness or love for all of my adult life til I met R! Why would I be worthy of someone this amazing and special? Because I am!!! That's why!

God created me in His image and I was tarnishing my own value by believing the words and abuse of someone who was so much acid to my life, to my confidence and to my very existence. So out of the darkness and into the Light I emerge, new, learning to be confident and to appreciate that I do deserve to feel this way, and to be as healthy and happy as God created me to be.

What's hiding in your closet that's holding you back from being the best you that you can be? Might be a good time to find out!

With Honor and Integrity They Serve . . .

My heart overflows with pride in my son, in his team members, and our military in general. I always am proud of them, and my prayers for them are constant, but today I sit here with my emotions mounting as I think about the selflessness of each of these people who are so willing to set their lives aside to do their duty for their country, and for mankind. The generousity of these men and women knows no bounds.

I must admit that every single time my son called in to work saying he couldn't be in because they had an emergency preparedness drill, I never doubted that they did indeed call them in for such a drill, but I wondered if it was really all that necessary to inconvenience employers with NO notice whatsoever. But orders are orders, you do what you must when you belong to the military, right? Now I understand exactly WHY they had to do that! With a new commanding officer who is aware that the team must be ready to go anywhere at any time, things have changed. Since it was obvious after recent events that preparedness wasn't at its peak (I'm sure we can all recall disasters in our recent history), and it was decided that this team was to practice, and practice well, how to get out and onto business in a hurry. The practice paid off. G got the late night call on Monday night that they were on high alert for emergency aid to Haiti, by Wednesday morning he was in the air on his way. In that amount of time every single person of the assembled team had pulled together their gear, taken care of personal business pertaining to being gone from their lives, reported to the base and were gone. Wow. I challenge any person WITHOUT such preparedness training to do that without even a ripple of chaos. As inconvenient as it is for employers, and disruptive for families, this was such valuable training, and since any of us could, at any time, be in need of the expertise and efficiency of our military we should be thanking God they are capable of meeting the needs of those in crisis and have been trained to do just that. Any disgruntled grumblings, or narcissitic belly-aching of "poor me" by anyone on the civilian side just need to stop, shut-up, and grow some gratitude. These young men and women have earned the right for our understanding, our support and our love.

G - I am proud of you. You have honor. You have integrity. You have the dedication to go beyond just what you can get for yourself out of your time in the Reserves. You have the gift of willingness to serve others. You are a wonderful man and you have my heart with you on your journey to help those who need you. Thank you.

Music of the Rain . . .

In the wee hours of the morning, somewhere near 3 a.m., my loving dog decided she needed to go outside. She doesn't normally wake up in the middle of the night - good for her since as each year passes I get up more and more - so for her to be whining and dancing at the bedroom door told me it was urgent. Trying not to wake my hubby, I got out of bed, put on my robe and went out with the dog. I stood under the eaves, back against the door, avoiding the rainfall, but as I stood there I heard the most beautiful song.

Nearly holding my breath with wonder I listened to the serenade of the raindrops falling on the leaves of the trees, on the deck, on the roof and on the neighbor's shed. Each surface, each different leaf resounded with a different tone, so when all were put together it created the most incredible sound, music from heaven, God's song in each drop from above. While I stood there in wonder, still avoiding getting wet, it dawned on me that we are like the raindrops. We are sent here by God to sing His song, with discordant sounds dropping from those who fall away or in many cases avoid His work, much like the drops that were falling on various hollow objects made an odd THUNKing sound, at odds with the harmony of the chorus going on around them. We spend our lives, in His image, with a job at hand to sing in harmony with His word, doing His work. Those who choose not too, sing to a different rhythm, out of harmony and out of kilter with peace, love and hope. When our time here is done, and it is chosen for us to go to our eternal rest, the last note we sing is like the last drop of rain in a pool, echos of our song sending out harmonious rings of memory on the smooth waters to all who we met in this life. The discordant drops land unheard on the muddied landscape, leaving behind nothing but the murk of harmful influence and negative words.

What do we want to be in our lives? I choose to be a harmonious raindrop, falling in chorus with God's will. The travels won't be easy, but they will be rewarding as my echos someday ripple on the surface of the memories of those I've left behind.

Standing On the Border of the New Year . . .

One foot in 2009, one nearly in 2010, ready to leap from the old to the new. Before looking ahead though, it's time to take a walk down memory lane, look at the past year, nod to the bad as well as the good, and move on to the clean slate awaiting me just 2 short hours from now.

It's been a year of extreme highs - we bought our brand new house! And extreme lows - my daughter moved away, and a dear friend moved on to heaven. And through it all were the ups and downs of daily living that we all go through along the way. There have been tears, there has been laughter, deep discussions, and lighthearted banter. It was a year of growth, and a time to figure out what my priorities are and which ones mean the most to focus on.

Now, with a smile and a wave behind me, I'm facing the new year with my shoulders back, my head held high, and with a determination to be appreciative for my wonderful husband and loving family, make healthy choices for my body, use wisdom in my daily life, show gratitude for the many friends have been blessed with and be thankful for my job. This is going to be a great year . . . because I said so!

Good-bye 2009 . . . Hello 2010!!!