It was a rough day. I suspect that the next few will be . . . and the few after that . . . and so on. As I've said before, my daughter is spreading her wings and she's flying into a new chapter of her life. It is taking her far from everything she's ever known, and everyone that she is leaving behind are grieving. Intellectually I know that she's under a great deal of stress and she's nearly to the emotional breaking point. But I'm also to that point and the forest is getting in the way of the trees.
My focus has been primarily on my loss, my feelings, my hurt, and how lonely I'm going to be for her presence in my daily life. Even though I don't see her every day, knowing she's nearby has been enough to feel her. She radiates this energy, a sort of glow, that is hard to describe to anyone who hasn't felt it. She's had this since the day she was born, actually before she was born but I was the only one to know it at that time. Since then she's been radiating it to everyone in her periphery - and even those who don't claim to love her as I do still feel it. Anyway, today the emotions hit a high point and we clashed. And that's the last thing we want to do! We love each other, yet here we are playing push me/pull you against each other instead of trying to be calm, take a breath, and help each other through this. I know our love hasn't faltered, and our relationship will be intact on the other side, but still . . . it hurts to know that in these last few days of being in the same state we have hurt each other. Forgiveness isn't in question, forgetfulness may be. I do not want my child leaving with harsh words between us, I want her to remember only how hard and close I hold her, and as she drives away I want her to know that my love for her is endless.
So for now, this moment, I'll set aside my own feelings and pain, I will pull her into my arms and I will send her into her new life with my blessing. I will be as unselfish as I am capable of being and I will force a smile to my lips and save as many of my tears as I can for after she can't see them any more. It isn't going to be easy . . . but it's what I need to do so I'm not hurting this child that I love so very much. Fly free my darling girl, have the most blessed life in your new home. This isn't going to be goodbye, it's "til I see you again".
Whew - let's just hope I can do that when the moment comes. I'll keep you posted.
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