Reflections and Resolutions

You know, I hear from some people that they've had a bad year, and are hoping the new one is better. I don't understand that I guess. The year is what we made of it and though sometimes bad things happen through anyone's life, time isn't at fault, a date doesn't change things. We do. Sitting here, sipping a glass of very nice wine, my handsome husband sitting across the room from me, watching a movie together and just BEING on this first day of 2012, I have time to reflect over 2011 and make plans for how I'd like to see 2012 play out. But I have to, throughout these introspections admit that 2011 wasn't a bad year, not bad at all. You see, for every negative thing I could point out, I can also point out positive ones.

Sure, we have an idiot in charge of the insane assylum we call a government, and that idiot has made it his mission to destroy the nation I love so much, as do so many of us. Sure, our national debt is so huge and growing as I type by leaps and bounds, that our children, their children, and into the future generations will be paying for it in ways we cannot imagine, since it's difficult for us to envision life in a country that is changing so dramatically. Sure, we have natural disasters happening day after day that our environmental scientists cannot explain, and man made disasters that fill us with fear as their results manifest themselves . . . and I could go on and on, but there's no reason. I've made my point. However, our forefathers and mothers also faced disasters that they felt meant the end of the world as they knew it, and perhaps it was the end of their world. I don't know, I wasn't around then. I know though, that through it all, God is bigger than the disasters, He's smarter than any number of insane and idiotic "leaders", He's got a plan and though I may not get what that plan is for now, I can see it unfolding and I consider myself mentally and spiritually able to meet the challenges He is placing before me.

I'd like to focus for a moment on the great things about 2011, because there really were great things. I'd like to put away the negative thoughts because I could let them fill my head and heart and dim the beauty of the gifts I've been given. This year has been filled with amazing feats of self-discovery. I have learned that I am strong! I knew I could get through anything I had to get through, because I've been through difficult times in recent years. This strength was different. I took charge of my life in a way I never have before and came through victorious - with the help of my incredibly supportive husband - I came through standing tall and proud of my accomplishments. I threw off the yoke of imprisonment that my body was holding me in by shedding 77.5 lbs. Anyone who is living in that prison knows what I am talking about when I speak of being trapped inside my body. I'm not any more. I walk into a room and hold my head high, no longer wanting to hide. What an incredible feeling that is! Through that blessing I started a business and it is slowly growing. With this business, blessed by God and wonderful customers, I will be able to declare at least a small amount of independence from work-related stress. Perhaps ultimately be completely independent of having to be on someone else's schedule and under someone else's authority. How amazing would that be? But even if my business doesn't grow to that level, I am blessed to be meeting new people who are willing to accept the advice and help I am able to give them, to help them be released from their own physical imprisonment. God has blessed me by using me to bless others. This year I have been allowed to be a part of so many wonderful projects through my church, which have in turn helped the community and maybe blessed those who haven't yet met the Lord. Amen to that! But most importantly I am so blessed by my family. I have a husband who loves me and treats me like I am special. I still am not used to how that feels, and hope I never do get used to it. I would hate to ever take it for granted. I am blessed by my children. My son and his fiancee returned safely from their service in Kuwait and are settling into a life and routine that gives them contentment. My daughter and her husband are happy and have been presented with some amazing opportunities and I couldn't be more proud of them! My parents moved nearby - down the road in fact - and that alone is a blessing. I may not see them every day, or even once a week, but we are there for each other if we need something, and that is a comfort in so many ways. Finally I am blessed by friends. I have made some new ones, and I am blessed to have some who have continued to be there for me throughout the year, and who I know will continue to be there for me always.

Yes, there are challenges that I have dealt with this year, and there are some challenges I will continue to deal with through the new year. There are emotions to reconcile, difficulties to face, and ways I can grow. But I know that 2011 was a blessing, 2012 will be another blessed year, and I have everything I need in this life to make me happy. A God who will never forsake me, a husband who sees my faults and loves me anyway, children who I am blessed to have in my life, parents who care about me no matter what, and friends I love and cherish. The other stuff? It's just stuff. Nobody can get me down if I don't let them, and 2012 can only be a bad year if I make it that way. And I won't. I am determined that 2012 will be a year of exciting new things, and a year when I will make many new and beautiful memories, and there will be incredible challenges to face.

God bless 2012!

Choosing How We Are Remembered . . .

I just got off the phone with my father. Apparently my ex-step-Grandfather passed away this morning, and though I don't know all the details, I understand he died in the hospital after suffering a stroke. I doubt anyone was with him when he went to meet his maker, because honestly I don't know of many people who even liked the man, not even his own children. He was cruel to my Grandmother, who finally divorced him at the ripe old age of 89. She'd had enough. She married him to ward off loneliness after my Grandfather passed away when I was a Junior in high school. The family was there as much as possible to keep her company, but we all had families of our own and lives to lead, and couldn't always be there all the time, so she married this man with two or three ex-wives, determined to be the one to understood this "poor misunderstood man". Flash forward all these years later, Grandma has a new life of her own and C is gone. And that really got me to thinking . . .

When it is my time to go, how will I be remembered? Will anyone regret my passing, or will they say that I was a miserable person who won't be missed? What is the impact I am having on others now while I'm alive? In my own mind I'd like to think that I'm having a positive effect on others as my life touches theirs, whether that touch is in passing or long term. I'd like to think that when others meet me they can see that I have compassion for their hurts, genuine caring for their heartbreaks, and true joy for their successes. As selfish as it sounds, when I die I want to leave a void behind me, where my life will have meant something and being gone is noticed and mourned by the people left here. If God allows us to look down from heaven to check in on those we love, I'd like to see that the lessons I taught to my kids are carrying forward to their children, that a smile of nostalgia crosses the faces of friends as they remember something we did together. When holidays roll around I want my family to throw themselves into them with all of their hearts, having fun, carrying on cherished traditions, and remembering with happiness the past celebrations we shared together.

The thought of this man dying alone is very sad. No, I won't lie and say I'll miss him, or elevate him to something he wasn't and state that he was a great person, because if I'm honest and speak what is in my heart, he won't be missed by me, and he wasn't a nice person. I don't know where he is right now, and who's gate he was knocking on this morning when he went to meet his eternity. That would be something known only to God at this point. I can hope for his sake, that in his last moments he had the opportunity to have a little chat with God and make things right, and someday I'll find out whether or not this was so. It definitely makes me think though, puts my attitude into perspective and hopefully that will be something I carry with me for a good long time to come.

What kind of a memory are you leaving behind? What kind of memories are any of us leaving behind? I know what kind I'd like to leave . . .

Never Forget . . .

9/11. The mere mention of that date brings a hush and sense of overwhelming sadness to the soul of every red-blooded American. We can all recall the precise moment when we heard what had happened on that horrible day in New York, right here on our home soil, to hard working men and women, to a city, a nation, the world. It was the day when we were stripped of what innocence remained, naked and without the sense of being protected by the very strength of the borders within which we live. It was the day that we realized that we too are vulnerable to the evil that pervades the world and we are no longer insulated from that evil. We can no longer count on the safety that we have taken for granted for so long.

On that day we came together as a country, of one mind . . . one heart . . . one goal. We bonded together, across this nation, every walk of life, every religion, every ethnicity, every political affiliation . . . we united to rebuild, to heal, and to NEVER be victims of such senseless violence again. In the few short years since that day, though it seems as if it were just yesterday, we have deteriorated back to a nation of back biting, fighting, clashing and finger pointing. How quickly the memories of such devastation fade for those who have limited capacity to love our country for what She is, what She has been, and what She could potentially still be. How quickly the selfishness, hypocrisy, hatred and plotting one against another fall back into the old routine, as if the pain and horror of that fateful day never happened.

To those who would push our country down the path of destruction through stupid policies, through quest for power, through greed for more of what our neighbor may have, SHAME ON YOU! To those who walk on the graves of men, women and children who died that horrible day, remember that judgement day is pending for those who still walk this plane, and God is the ultimate judge. While you are busily pushing Him out of our schools, out of our public places, out of the government which was built in His name, and out of the holidays we celebrate in His honor - He is recording your actions, your thoughts, your words and the day is coming when you must relive them . . . through His eyes. At that point it will too late to wish He have mercy on your soul. None are free of sin, but some seem to perpetrate it on purpose and with glee and malice for the innocent, the honorable, the devout.

Please, take a moment to pray for the families and friends of those who perished on 9/11. Pray for the those who so valiantly worked to save as many as they could. Pray for the men and women who have served, and still serve, in our military, striving to protect our nation against such heinous violent acts from happening again. Pray for the families of those who serve. Pray for our country, for the preservation of the constitution on which we have built our very existence.

Don't ever forget . . . It is your duty as a human being, as an American. . . Honor this day and always remember.

My Son is Home - This Mama is SOOO Happy!

We've all seen the footage of soldiers returning home into the waiting arms of their families, the tears, the hugs, the utter and boundless joy on the faces of everyone. I have shed many tears as I have watched those videos, and shared vicariously the happiness of these families. Yesterday I shed tears of joy, for I had my own momentous reunion with my wonderful son, as he surprised me at work upon his return from Kuwait. My soldier returned home and my heart is overflowing with happiness. There wasn't any way to effectively stop the tears combined with laughter, and I clung to him, not wanting to let him go. Feeling my son hug me and letting it sink in that he is indeed home was a dream come true, one I've had since the day he left right after Christmas.

Welcome home my wonderful son. I missed you to the roots of my being, and am so overjoyed and thankful for your safe return home.

Thank You God, for keeping Your hand on my boy.

Declaring Our Independence - Standing Up For Our Convictions

I sit here today with the sun shining down, relaxing and grateful for a long weekend. For many this day means camping, beer and blowing things up. For others it means parades, cookouts with friends and relaxation. But for all of us it should be about the sacrifices made by our forefathers that paved the road to give us the freedom we enjoy today. Those brave men paid for the strength of their convictions with their livelihoods, the loss of their families, the loss of their freedom and some the loss of their lives. They knew the risks when they signed the Declaration of Independence, but that didn't stop them from doing what they knew was right. The road to freedom is paved with the gravestones of brave men and women who fought to their last breath so that you can blow up those firecrackers, light those sparklers and sit by the bonfire with friends.

What would YOU do if faced with a similar situation? Would you stand up and be counted as strong enough to face your enemies bravely, willing to fight to your death so that your children and grandchildren could be free? Would you sign your name on that line, the line that could lead to your torture and death? Or would you sit back and watch while the country you love changed irrevocably for the worse, your freedoms stripped one by one, day by day? God gave us this nation, it was built on Judeo-Christian principles. Yet every day I see and hear news stories telling me that I am wrong for holding those principles close to my heart by a minority of people in this nation who have decided to be the national class bully. I don't care for bullies. Not even a little bit. They have no place in this society, no place in our lives, and for gosh sakes, they have no place making decisions for the majority of people who live in this country. What has happened to our backbone people? We sit back and watch these bullies flex their so-called muscle pull all of those strings, and complacently watch it happen! WAKE UP! Our forefathers FOUGHT AND DIED so we could be free! Are we seriously going to just sit here and wave good-bye to that freedom? Their blood spilled on the battlegrounds of their various times cries out to not let their deaths have happened in vain!

Today we celebrate and remember the day we, as a nation, as a free republic, took a stand and declared our independence. Let this special day not become a place of distant memory, or just a day to blow things up. Make this day a day to make a firm, inner resolve to take a stand against the bullies and stop letting them take away our freedoms that they are so diligently trying to take away. Vote, be aware of what is going on in our country, in our government, in our communities. WE THE PEOPLE are who those government officials work for, so make your voice heard both near to home, and all the way to our nation's capitol, and take a stand in honor of our past and in preparation for our future.

God Bless America, and may you have a blessed Independence Day.

In Your Honor, I Will Remember . . .

Throughout the history of this great nation of ours men and women have fought for the luxuries we enjoy each day, the luxuries born of freedom. Freedom that did not come without great price, and great sacrifice. These brave soldiers have taken up arms and gone wherever they were needed, wherever they were directed to go, and have done so selflessly, without question. They willingly put their lives on the line each and every day so that you and I can worship God in our own way, choose where to live, what to wear, how we make our living, and travel freely from one place to another. They live, serve and often times are wounded and changed for life, or many die, so that we can pray, read our Bibles, protest against injustice, eat whatever we want from the menu at whatever restaurant we choose to frequent, and vote our choice for the people who attempt - often times not too successfully - to run the government to which they pledge their service. Ultimately though, WE are the ones they pledge their service to - each of us, the citizens of the United States of America.

In exchange for this sacrifice take some time out of your oh-so-busy schedule, and remember. You can put down that hot dog, take a second out of your camping trip, stop mowing your lawn, or watching that movie for a few minutes, to remember all of the lives that have been lost over the years, in conflicts near and far, for causes we may or may not agree with. Remember that they willingly gave all of themselves for each and every one of you, and they would do it all again for the privilege, the honor, of serving this country they loved so much that it was worth giving their lives. Remember that not only have soldiers died for our freedoms, they have given their health and well being and live day to day now reliving in their minds and hearts the moments when their lives were irrevocably changed, so that you and I can enjoy our existence as free citizens. Remember that there are soldiers, brave men and women, currently serving all over the world, sacrificing watching their children grow up, giving up the simple things we take for granted - like waking up next to the one they love, a drive-through trip to McDonalds, or air conditioning - so that they can serve this nation they love with every patriotic breath they draw. Remember them, honor them, thank them. Without them your lives would be dramatically different in every way.

To the men and women who serve at home, the police officers, fire fighters, EMT's - brave men and women who put their lives on the line for the every day life here at home - you may not be currently serving in our military, but you are serving our country, our citizens and enhancing our lives. You are remembered and appreciated each and every day.

Thank you to my husband, grandfathers, father, brother, uncles, son, son-in-law, my future daughter-in-law, my dear friend D and all of the young men and women who serve and have been adopted into our family. Your service, your sacrifices, your love for our nation - all is appreciated. Thank you. God Bless You. I will always remember.

Taking a Step Back . . .

Have you ever woken up, wandered through the day, traced the same path to and from work, through your daily chores and errands, and felt that the weight of the entire world was just sitting uncomfortably on your shoulders? I woke up a couple of weeks ago and couldn't shake that feeling. As the day wore on the weight got heavier, the burden nearly more than I could tolerate. As my introduction to this blog says, I wear many hats. Lately the number of hats is bending my neck forward and it is nearing the breaking point. Something has to give, and I have made up my mind that it isn't going to be me.

I love my husband and I love my life with him. Sure we go through times when we are extremely frustrated, even angry, with each other, but at the end of the day there isn't anyone I'd rather spend my life with. The routine isn't routine with him . . . it is always new, always beautiful, always adventurous and always fulfilling. I can't say I'm an easy person to walk through life with, nobody else would either I'm sure. There are times he isn't easy to walk through life with either, but we have a lovely balance between us that works. He is a gift directly from God and I will never regret wearing the hat of wife.

When it comes to the Mom hat, though I'll never take it off, its weight has gotten lighter and lighter as my children have developed lives of their own with their careers, marriages, engagements, etc. They need me, but not daily, and sometimes not even weekly. I am always there for them, but now it seems that the relationship is more often than not gilded with the golden glow of an amazing combination of friend/parent/child dynamic. They have their moments when I wish I could make their choices for them again, but for the most part I think they turned into wonderful adults and I am very proud of them. I wear this hat set at a jaunty angle.

There is a child in me who will always want and need her parents, but I see a shift in this relationship in recent years, and it makes me sad and a little afraid. I see them aging and struggling with the advancement of aches, pains and ailments that typically accost people as their gait slows and their routines begin to settle into the slow plod that goes along with retirement - or what SHOULD be retirement. I know that at some point they will depend on me the way I once depended on them, and imagine that the balancing act between parent/child will be interesting, difficult, challenging, but rewarding. They have given so much to be parents, and it will soon be my turn to return the love in the same way. This hat grows ever heavier and is laced with sadness.

My job isn't difficult - at least not to me. There was a day when I thought it was, but with anything in life, if you go through the paces often enough it becomes routine and ordinary. I like what I do. Perhaps it isn't what I would like for my entire life, but I do like it. I like the people I work with . . . ok, let me try that one again. I like the people I work with most of the time. There are days I'd like to speak my mind even more directly than I already do (hard to imagine, I know), but it would most likely get me fired. There is no doubt in my mind that they feel the same about me sometimes . . . maybe more than sometimes. And that's ok. Everyone doesn't have to like everyone else all of the time. I figure it's part of the human condition. This hat is one I must wear four days a week, between 8 and 10 hours a day. I'm good with that. . . unless I win the lottery.

The burden that is the most difficult to carry right now is the hat of responsibility for others - others who I should NOT be responsible for in the first place. I value my friends, all of them, equally. There are some I am closer to than others, some I speak with every day, some I only speak with occasionally but can pick up the phone and it is like no time has passed by. I have acquaintances who I rarely speak with but like to know they are ok, and I have friends who I know would be there through thick and thin, no matter what. There will always be times when we need a shoulder to lean on, and that's what friends are for, right? I know I need to go to someone for support and advice on occasion, and that's ok! The burden part of this comes in when friends, or even family, ask for advice or an opinion, and either don't take it and follow up by complaining that their situation hasn't changed, or take it but don't apply that same good result to future problems/issues that arise. They come tromping back asking for advice again, and it ends up being the same advice that will either not be followed, or be followed and forgotten. It's exhausting both mentally and emotionally. My wall has been hit, numerous times. I am trying something for myself, and I suggest everyone reading this try it too. If you have a problem/situation/issue . . . stop and think it over, write it down if need be. Think to yourself, have I been in this place before? If so, what did I do to solve the problem? Did it work for me? It did? GREAT, do it again. If it didn't, then what would be a better solution? Work it through as best you can from every angle before you exhaust someone else with it. I love helping people. I like to think I am someone who can be depended on for support. Unless there's a crisis of monumental proportions that cannot be solved on your own, well, give it a try! You may surprise yourself with how filled with talents and abilities you really are.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this . . . I am taking a step back into my life and that step takes me a step out of the business and lives of others. I am wife, mother, daughter, employee and friend . . . but I am also me. So live your lives the best way you can, include me as your friend, but make your own choices so I can make mine. It may sound harsh, but if it does, maybe the question should be asked WHY? Why is it harsh to want to enjoy friendship without burden? Why is it harsh to want to make my life choices that include considering my husband and myself and what is best for us, without having to consider how that choice will impact anyone else? My choices, my life, the direction I take does NOT include any consideration for the effect it has on anyone other than making sure that I'm not stomping on them to get to where I need to be. I hate hearing someone selfishly say "what about me?" when I make a choice for me. My choices don't revolve around anyone but myself and my husband.

I'm taking a step back. And I feel the weight of all those hats getting lighter already.