Have you ever woken up, wandered through the day, traced the same path to and from work, through your daily chores and errands, and felt that the weight of the entire world was just sitting uncomfortably on your shoulders? I woke up a couple of weeks ago and couldn't shake that feeling. As the day wore on the weight got heavier, the burden nearly more than I could tolerate. As my introduction to this blog says, I wear many hats. Lately the number of hats is bending my neck forward and it is nearing the breaking point. Something has to give, and I have made up my mind that it isn't going to be me.
I love my husband and I love my life with him. Sure we go through times when we are extremely frustrated, even angry, with each other, but at the end of the day there isn't anyone I'd rather spend my life with. The routine isn't routine with him . . . it is always new, always beautiful, always adventurous and always fulfilling. I can't say I'm an easy person to walk through life with, nobody else would either I'm sure. There are times he isn't easy to walk through life with either, but we have a lovely balance between us that works. He is a gift directly from God and I will never regret wearing the hat of wife.
When it comes to the Mom hat, though I'll never take it off, its weight has gotten lighter and lighter as my children have developed lives of their own with their careers, marriages, engagements, etc. They need me, but not daily, and sometimes not even weekly. I am always there for them, but now it seems that the relationship is more often than not gilded with the golden glow of an amazing combination of friend/parent/child dynamic. They have their moments when I wish I could make their choices for them again, but for the most part I think they turned into wonderful adults and I am very proud of them. I wear this hat set at a jaunty angle.
There is a child in me who will always want and need her parents, but I see a shift in this relationship in recent years, and it makes me sad and a little afraid. I see them aging and struggling with the advancement of aches, pains and ailments that typically accost people as their gait slows and their routines begin to settle into the slow plod that goes along with retirement - or what SHOULD be retirement. I know that at some point they will depend on me the way I once depended on them, and imagine that the balancing act between parent/child will be interesting, difficult, challenging, but rewarding. They have given so much to be parents, and it will soon be my turn to return the love in the same way. This hat grows ever heavier and is laced with sadness.
My job isn't difficult - at least not to me. There was a day when I thought it was, but with anything in life, if you go through the paces often enough it becomes routine and ordinary. I like what I do. Perhaps it isn't what I would like for my entire life, but I do like it. I like the people I work with . . . ok, let me try that one again. I like the people I work with most of the time. There are days I'd like to speak my mind even more directly than I already do (hard to imagine, I know), but it would most likely get me fired. There is no doubt in my mind that they feel the same about me sometimes . . . maybe more than sometimes. And that's ok. Everyone doesn't have to like everyone else all of the time. I figure it's part of the human condition. This hat is one I must wear four days a week, between 8 and 10 hours a day. I'm good with that. . . unless I win the lottery.
The burden that is the most difficult to carry right now is the hat of responsibility for others - others who I should NOT be responsible for in the first place. I value my friends, all of them, equally. There are some I am closer to than others, some I speak with every day, some I only speak with occasionally but can pick up the phone and it is like no time has passed by. I have acquaintances who I rarely speak with but like to know they are ok, and I have friends who I know would be there through thick and thin, no matter what. There will always be times when we need a shoulder to lean on, and that's what friends are for, right? I know I need to go to someone for support and advice on occasion, and that's ok! The burden part of this comes in when friends, or even family, ask for advice or an opinion, and either don't take it and follow up by complaining that their situation hasn't changed, or take it but don't apply that same good result to future problems/issues that arise. They come tromping back asking for advice again, and it ends up being the same advice that will either not be followed, or be followed and forgotten. It's exhausting both mentally and emotionally. My wall has been hit, numerous times. I am trying something for myself, and I suggest everyone reading this try it too. If you have a problem/situation/issue . . . stop and think it over, write it down if need be. Think to yourself, have I been in this place before? If so, what did I do to solve the problem? Did it work for me? It did? GREAT, do it again. If it didn't, then what would be a better solution? Work it through as best you can from every angle before you exhaust someone else with it. I love helping people. I like to think I am someone who can be depended on for support. Unless there's a crisis of monumental proportions that cannot be solved on your own, well, give it a try! You may surprise yourself with how filled with talents and abilities you really are.
I guess what I'm trying to say is this . . . I am taking a step back into my life and that step takes me a step out of the business and lives of others. I am wife, mother, daughter, employee and friend . . . but I am also me. So live your lives the best way you can, include me as your friend, but make your own choices so I can make mine. It may sound harsh, but if it does, maybe the question should be asked WHY? Why is it harsh to want to enjoy friendship without burden? Why is it harsh to want to make my life choices that include considering my husband and myself and what is best for us, without having to consider how that choice will impact anyone else? My choices, my life, the direction I take does NOT include any consideration for the effect it has on anyone other than making sure that I'm not stomping on them to get to where I need to be. I hate hearing someone selfishly say "what about me?" when I make a choice for me. My choices don't revolve around anyone but myself and my husband.
I'm taking a step back. And I feel the weight of all those hats getting lighter already.
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