I just got off the phone with my father. Apparently my ex-step-Grandfather passed away this morning, and though I don't know all the details, I understand he died in the hospital after suffering a stroke. I doubt anyone was with him when he went to meet his maker, because honestly I don't know of many people who even liked the man, not even his own children. He was cruel to my Grandmother, who finally divorced him at the ripe old age of 89. She'd had enough. She married him to ward off loneliness after my Grandfather passed away when I was a Junior in high school. The family was there as much as possible to keep her company, but we all had families of our own and lives to lead, and couldn't always be there all the time, so she married this man with two or three ex-wives, determined to be the one to understood this "poor misunderstood man". Flash forward all these years later, Grandma has a new life of her own and C is gone. And that really got me to thinking . . .
When it is my time to go, how will I be remembered? Will anyone regret my passing, or will they say that I was a miserable person who won't be missed? What is the impact I am having on others now while I'm alive? In my own mind I'd like to think that I'm having a positive effect on others as my life touches theirs, whether that touch is in passing or long term. I'd like to think that when others meet me they can see that I have compassion for their hurts, genuine caring for their heartbreaks, and true joy for their successes. As selfish as it sounds, when I die I want to leave a void behind me, where my life will have meant something and being gone is noticed and mourned by the people left here. If God allows us to look down from heaven to check in on those we love, I'd like to see that the lessons I taught to my kids are carrying forward to their children, that a smile of nostalgia crosses the faces of friends as they remember something we did together. When holidays roll around I want my family to throw themselves into them with all of their hearts, having fun, carrying on cherished traditions, and remembering with happiness the past celebrations we shared together.
The thought of this man dying alone is very sad. No, I won't lie and say I'll miss him, or elevate him to something he wasn't and state that he was a great person, because if I'm honest and speak what is in my heart, he won't be missed by me, and he wasn't a nice person. I don't know where he is right now, and who's gate he was knocking on this morning when he went to meet his eternity. That would be something known only to God at this point. I can hope for his sake, that in his last moments he had the opportunity to have a little chat with God and make things right, and someday I'll find out whether or not this was so. It definitely makes me think though, puts my attitude into perspective and hopefully that will be something I carry with me for a good long time to come.
What kind of a memory are you leaving behind? What kind of memories are any of us leaving behind? I know what kind I'd like to leave . . .
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