Family Dynamics and Love With Conditions . . .

I have always thought that love conquers all . . . and I suppose in ideal circumstances it does . . . to a point. When it comes to families though ideal circumstances fall far away from reality, and when it comes to friends it seems to be riddled with strings attached to all sorts of sundry places that don't make sense and defy what the meaning of love and friendship stand for in this world.

My family means the world to me. When I think of my family it goes in order of my husband, my children, my parents, my sibling, followed by other family such as nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Even though there is an order and sequence to their positions in my lives, these relationships are all interwoven and influence each other ranging between a little bit and a lot, depending on who I'm dealing with, and who is involved. For the most part if someone does something that I consider to be hurtful, disrespectful or downright meanspirited, I let it roll off of me and move on. Do this often enough and sometimes there is a residual build up of resentment or pain that will eventually come to a breaking point. This unfortunately affects not just me, but my husband as well, along with anyone else involved. In general though, if someone hurts me I am capable of forgiving and moving on, for we are all human and fallable - and I certainly fit in to that category front and center.

Suddenly I find myself in the middle of a family meltdown and I'm hating every single second of it. I spent last night crying, and some of today. My head is pounding, my eyes are puffy and I am no closer to a solution to the quagmire of emotional muck I find myself buried in up to my neck. I confronted my parents with emotions that run deep about my relationship with them from my youth. My brother was dragged into it, so I shared my heartfelt feelings with him - and I admit that I opened up and let it all out - and THAT has turned into a mess. His wife is angry with me for "attacking" my brother, who is a big boy and if we could just deal with this on our own we'd be fine - and apparently I'm more at odds with everyone than if I had just continued to swallow my feelings. Oh wait! All of this lovely drama, emotion, disrespect and lack of supportive love has angered my husband and has put us at odds with each other. I'm tired, and I don't understand what is going on!

Add to the mix friends. Friends at work don't care what is going on at home - of course I don't share with friends at work what goes on at home generally speaking, because for one thing, it's not their business, and for another . . . well, there isn't another reason, that was it. But when things are going on at home and emotions are running high there are people at work who really choose the wrong moment to step on every single one of my nerves, repeatedly and with increasing intensity. Little stuff that wouldn't bother me if I weren't already in emotional crisis mode. Those days put me on an edge that makes me ready to blow up - and sometimes I do blow up. Sorry to anyone I vented to - not your fault- truly. Friends who aren't at work have the best intentions and truly want to help, but I can't share my every emotion sometimes. I just can't! One, if I try I cry and I'm tired of crying and Two, there's nothing you can do to help and you have your own stuff to deal with without adding mine to the mix. I'm a very independent person in many ways, and truly will work through this with the people actually involved. Please don't be insulted or hurt - this isn't about you - it's about me, it's about my marriage, it's about my relationship with people who are supposed to love me unconditionally, but sometimes don't. Making it about you and being hurt by it just adds more pressure to me and honestly I just can't deal with any more pressure.

God does loves us unconditionally. Think about that for a moment and digest what that means. Unconditionally. He loves us no matter what we do, no matter how we act, no matter who we disappoint, no matter whether we are angry, sad, happy or completely dysfunctional - and seriously - aren't most of us pretty darned dysfunctional? He loves us when we hurt someone, or when we have been hurt. He never leaves, never gives up, never throws up his hands and tells us we aren't worth the trouble. We, as Christ followers have a responsibility to ourselves, but mostly to God, to emulate God our Father in everything. Granted we are doomed to fall short for we are, after all, human and fallable in every way, but we are supposed to try! I fall short. I know I do. I know there's a long list of things that I do, that I shouldn't, that do not glorify God. Every day should be a work in progress to live up to His standards. One thing I try to be consistent about though, is forgiving those who hurt me and trying to build better relationships with them. Knowing that, I am having such a hard time figuring out how I'm in this middle of this family muddle that has my brain on fire with pain, and my eyes gritty and hurting from crying so many tears. It is my deep desire for everyone to come to God, to know His forgiveness and love. I want every single person I know to someday, when I move on to Heaven, to look back on my life and be able to say that I was a loving person, a forgiving person, and they saw Jesus reflected in my life. Obviously I'm falling sort of that, or else all of this family anger would not be surrounding me at this moment. All I want, with all of my heart, is for my family to accept and love each other - good stuff, bad stuff and in bewteen stuff. I want to look at my husband and see love reflected back at me, and pride in the person he married, and know that he sees that I want nothing but to be the best wife, mother, daughter and friend I can possibly be, and that I am trying with all of my heart to do just that. What I am finding though is that God is the only one who loves unconditionally. Everyone else has conditions and I'm exhausted trying to keep up with all of them.

One last observation, I cannot be the one to meet everyone else's needs. I cannot be your caretaker, confidant, advisor, source of amusement, informaton and conscience, for I wear the hats of wife, mother, daughter, worker and friend and there are many demands of all of those hats. I have to take emotional time for me and if I don't, eventually my brain says enough is enough, something breaks loose and I have to take a complete break - so if I've disappointed you by not coming through for you in a way you'd like me to, maybe you should ask yourself - what have you done for me lately? If you can't come up with anything, perhaps you can figure out why I'm having to take a break. Whether you are family or friend, I can't be everything to everyone without losing me in the process. For the moment I feel part of me is lost and wandering. Until I find that piece of me that feels broken and lost, be patient - or don't. The end result is the same - I have to fix the hurt in me before I can attempt to do anything for you. It doesn't mean I don't love you - I do. If you are someone in my life, then I do love you no matter who you are. I just need this time to focus on what's right here at home, and find that balance so desperately needed to make a home life happy.

Chalk it up to yet another thing I thought I knew . . . Love is only unconditional if it comes from God.